Time Flies!

Wow...I let a whole month go by without posting a single blog. I will eagerly place the blame on the busyness of my life. Just to catch you up to date...I started November off by going on a vacation to Panama City Beach (I also hit up Pensacola and Destin for shopping and visited my nephew in Navarre). All I can say is...good times! After returning to Johnson City I started studying for the NCBTMB but then took a short break from studying when my brother and nephew came home for Thanksgiving. We had one of the best Thanksgivings ever but of course my cousin Blahz was greatly missed! My birthday was two days after Thanksgiving and it wasn't just any ole birthday. It was my Golden Birthday! For someone who has never made a big deal about her birthday...Let me tell you, I made up for the last 29 years! Everyone was sick of hearing about my "golden birthday" by the time it rolled around (haters!) But my family did hook me up with the VIP treatment at Klub Karma and we had the best time! Once my brother returned to Florida I tried to get back on schedule but there has been a major change in my life that hasn't allowed that to completely happen. I'm now in a relationship that is serious enough to mention so my schedule has been altered a bit. I was single for so long that I sort of forgot the dynamics of a romantic relationship. I'm still trying to get use to the fact that it's not all about me anymore. *Please stay tuned to hear more about my new interest. I did finally take the NCBTMB last week and by the grace of God I passed. I knew the Lord wouldn't bring me this far to leave me but the reality is I didn't make studying a top priority. It kind of got pushed to the side during all the festivities. I did manage to pass and I'm now official but my journey is not over...it's just beginning! And I look forward to what lies ahead of me. I'm sure there will be plenty of hard work and sweat. But I will also make time to relax and enjoy life. There will be laughter in abundance and more than enough tears to go around. But sorrow makes the heart good. So I will keep persevering...and try (really try) to continue blogging about my journey ahead.

What A Fellowship...

As you may know by now, I just love writing! I truly believe that God has blessed me with a gift of expressing myself through written words. When I started this blog, I ask God what should be the name, URL, and theme. So it’s no surprise to me that I go to Him before every blog that I post and ask for the knowledge and wisdom to write something that will be beneficial. I want everything I do to be to God's glory and not my own. I don't write so that people can leave comments or tell me that I'm a good writer. My hope is that God will lead me to share something that someone out there can grab onto and benefit from. It doesn't matter if I have one reader or ten thousand.

With that being said, I feel overwhelmingly compelled to write about something near and dear to my heart…God's accessibility. Salvation is hands down the best gift but I’m in constant awe of how available God is to me. I've never been the one to seek out human advice (partly because I used to be extremely shy, and partly because I don’t trust that people will give advice that’s not out of emotion). Therefore, I’ve always gone to God about everything. Whenever I need to talk I just picture him sitting wherever I am, listening to my every word. If I’m in my car, then He’s in the passenger seat. If I’m in my bed, then He’s sitting on the side of it. It’s something that I’ve done since I was a small child and I can only imagine that by now He’s like, “What now?” But I know that’s not the case. I just love that I can go to him anytime, anywhere, about anything! No matter if it’s 3pm or 3am. No matter if I’m driving in my car or I’m down on my knees. No matter if I’m praying for snow or praying for a sick family member. He’s there to listen. God doesn’t put me on hold or tell me to come back later. He’s never too busy or too tired to listen to me. I don’t have to make an appointment or be dressed a certain way to talk to Him. The Lord is my best friend! He makes me laugh and He sometimes makes me cry. He provides me with everything that I need and sometimes He gives me what I want. Every time I go to Him, I am comforted. Whether He answers my prayer right then or He tells me to wait…I am comforted! There have been times when I was so heartbroken that I thought I would die. Times when I was hurting so bad that I couldn’t go to God myself so I asked Jesus to go on my behalf. Those are the times when I was instantly comforted. I’ve never felt worse after talking to God, only better. I’m continuously aware of the things that I see and hear. I’m continuously thanking God for my blessings. I don’t just thank Him for everything. I will sit and try to individually name the things that I thank Him for. Of course that is no easy task because He’s done countless things for me. Yet still I try. I don’t want something (whether it be big or small) to have to be taken away from me before I realize what a blessing it is. From the toenails on my toes to the hair on my head, I’m blessed! From the pillow on my bed to the money in my pocket, I’m blessed. So if you see me driving or I’m out somewhere and it seems that I’m talking to myself, don’t be worried…that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m not crazy, (well maybe just a little) I’m just talking to my Lord who now lives within me.

The next best thing!

My two girls have just overwhelmed me with intrigue over the last few days! I've always wanted to experience the bond that sisters have and since I never will, I'm in constant admiration of my daughters. They really crack me up! I especially love watching them when they're being sweet to each other but their fights interest me as well. I've laid in my bed many nights just laughing and listening to them talk to each other in a dark bedroom like two little old ladies. There have been many conversations but I have to share the one I heard last night because it moved me so much as their mother.

Caislyn: Ray Ray I cold. Can you cover me up?

Zarayah: Cover yourself up.

Caislyn(in the sweetest most adorable voice I've ever heard): I can't cause I little.

Zarayah: Ok (She gets up and covers Cailsyn up)

Caislyn: Ray Ray my feet are cold.

Zarayah(gets up and says): Oh I forgot to cover up your feet.(She then covers her feet)

Caislyn: Ray Ray are you my best friend?

Zarayah: Yes

Caislyn: Are you sure?

Zarayah: I said yes

And then of course Caislyn gets right up and goes to jump on Zarayah's bed while she's trying to sleep and I have to fuss at her. Still, listening to them touched my heart so much. I'm grateful that God blessed me with two girls! I hope I'm around many days so that I can keep experiencing the bond the two of them share.

Please Remember...

To ALL Obama supporters (no matter your race):

Regardless of the outcome of this election, Obama is a great African-American leader! He is a great man! There are many attempts of character assassination against him and we should be praying for his safety should he win. There are some who want citizens of this country to fear Obama because they're intimidated themselves by his overwhelming effectiveness. As a result, there are people out there who are genuinely afraid of having a black president. To most black people these scare tactics are not surprising; we expect them. By looking back in black history, we can see that there were always attempts to stop positive black leaders from advancing. Black people have learned from experience that things are not always fair(not to say that some things aren't unfair for all humans). But we know that a black man cannot become the president of the U.S. being an average student as Bush did. A black man or woman would have to be an excellent student (excelling above everyone) to be accepted as capable of actually accomplishing such a task. And even then it's a struggle because there seems to be no room for error for a black person wanting to be at the top. Just remember...God didn't bring us this far to leave us! If Obama is suppose to be the president of this country...he will be! If not...so be it! Nevertheless, we MUST thank God for how far He has brought us in this country...from Kunta Kinte to Barack Obama!

Not over yet!

I feel so accomplished now that I have finally finished school. Yesterday I graduated and it felt a little surreal. Although the time went by rather quickly for me, there were times when I didn't think I would make it to the end. In the last week alone I had to study for six tests and create a 30 slide powerpoint presentation. Talk about exhausting! I am so mentally spent that I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything right now. I'm hoping that a couple of days of rest will do away with the confusion I'm experiencing. I still have to take the national board test, which I will spend the next few weeks studying for. Hopefully I will be able to take the test before I go on my vacation to Panama City Beach. A vacation that will be much needed by the time it rolls around. It's suppose to be my golden birthday present and I'm anticipating the chance to not only relax, but see my brother and nephew (my taquito). I ask for everyone to pray that I can stay focused on studying and pass my test whenever I take it. I'll let you know how it goes.

It's hard to hold back!

I'm trying my best not to blog about politics but man it's getting so hard because of the frustration I feel. When I think about John McCain becoming president my stomach starts to turn and I feel exactly the way I felt in 2000 at the thought of Bush winning. It's hard to describe the feeling really. You see...I've been blessed with discernment. I knew he would be a terrible president and my belief is that John McCain will be even worse. And this Sarah Palin chick really makes me nervous. Although I've been for Obama all along, I would've been content with Hillary as well. She took us women so many steps ahead but every time I hear Palin in an interview I realize that she is taking us so many steps back. It's like she's undoing everything that Hillary did. It's obvious that she doesn't know what she's talking about 95% of the time. She's just spouting off what she's been taught to say in the last 6 weeks, which is making her look really dumb. The fact that she's so unprepared for the job that she's been called to do, makes her seem as if she's all beauty and no brains. I want someone in there who already knows what's going on in the world, not somebody who has to be filled in on what to say in a matter of weeks. Sarah Palin may very well be an intelligent lady (in Alaska) but she's clearly out of her league on this one. People are absolutely nuts to think that she can run this country in the event that McCain is unable to.

Next frustration...

John McCain's demeanor is so irritating. Does he really believe that he's better than Obama? I'm not even speaking politically. He really acts like Obama is beneath him or something. Since all politicians lie (some more than others), try watching the debates on mute and just look at the way each of them carries themselves. It's incredible! Take away all the words and you can see who has the passion and actually believes what he or she is saying.

Next frustration...

It bothers me that some think we black people are only voting for Obama because he is black. Like he has nothing else to offer! I have no doubt that he will be a great president. I just pray for his safety. I don't agree with everything he believes. Like abortion for example. I believe it's wrong...Obama believes in choice. I can't fault him for that because the one thing that God gave us control of is choice. We can choose the we way live our lives. I have always said, "the one thing humans don't need control of, is the one thing that God gave us control of." Yes, we will have to suffer consequences if we make the wrong choices but we still have that right to choose. That's all I will say about that! Read my previous blog "The Obama Effect" if you want to know why I initially decided to vote for him.

Through all this I try to remember that God is in control and no matter who wins, He will take care of me. Although, when the winner is decided, there will be some extremely negative reactions regardless. God rules my life no matter the president. He got me through these last 8 years, which were terribly ran, and He'll continue to pull me through the rest...whatever the case may be. Still it's hard to ward off the feelings of frustration at times. I'm grateful at the chance to witness this history and I realize how far this country has come. But it's kind of bitter-sweet. On one hand...there's a black nominee for president...WOW! On the other hand...I've personally been reminded that racism is still alive well.

These Days

In the last couple of days I've become aware of how focused my mind is when I am giving someone a massage. I've always been somewhat of a daydreamer and I'm constantly contemplating at times when maybe I shouldn't be. So I'm amazed that God has given me the ability to shut out the rest of the world when I'm at school. I mean I really only think about the client and what I can do to help them with the pain they're having. If someone comes in and says, "I feel great and have no problems today", I just give them a routine massage and try to help them relax. But if someone comes in and tells me specific problems they are having, I want so badly to help them feel better and I concentrate on doing just that. Today my mind was wandering like crazy while working on my first couple of clients. I immediately tried to figure out why I couldn't concentrate and eventually blamed it on the mocha iced coffee I had for breakfast. I hardly ever drink coffee but felt I just had to have the Mocha Joe from BK this morning after seeing the sign. It was really good but I was wired. I had to keep telling myself to focus at school. While massaging an older gentleman I started thinking about my age and how I'm getting older. Here's what I came up with during that massage:

Top signs that I am getting old...

*I've used more dental floss in the last year than I have throughout my lifetime (I don't want to be one of those people who didn't take care of their real teeth but then get false ones and treat them like precious jewels).

*I cannot stand to be in uncomfortable clothing (If possible, the first thing I do when I get home is disrobe. Honestly, I would much rather be naked...Now I know why old people wear stretchy stuff).

*I go to bed so much earlier than I used to (If I'm up at 3am, it's because I have insomnia not because I'm in the club somewhere).

*I have the ugliest housecoat that anyone has ever laid eyes on. Sometimes I wear it outside and pray that no one sees me (It's just soooo comfortable...I can't give it up).

*I would much rather listen to music that is peaceful and relaxing (I still love a variety of music but I can only take so much of certain genres).

*I have a right knee that's bad and it usually bothers me at night or when it's rainy (I injured it back in middle school playing basketball and believe my old age has brought on the remnants of the injury...what else could it be?)

*I've seriously considered getting a wig (I really don't like to comb my hair but try to be grateful that I at least have some).

*I think I will actually die of starvation if I don't eat breakfast every morning (I never ate breakfast back in the day but now in my old age I realize IT IS the most important meal of the day).

*I felt the need to drink coffee this morning (Even though I said I never want to be to the point where I just had to have it...this morning, I just had to have it).

OK, only the first three did I think of while giving a massage. The rest I just came up with but I promise they're all true. Although my client said great things on my feedback form, it couldn't have been one of my best massages. When I got to client number four at around 1pm, I was back on track and again focused. I'm glad that I can still function at a normal level without the caffeine. Next time I get a taste for coffee, I'll put it off until it's time to clean the house.

Happy Birthday Brother!

So many childhood memories...

we could write a book of our life.

Remember the times I had to slap you...

and you backed me in a corner with a knife?

Your memory is like an elephant's...

so I know you remember when...

we watched "Little Lulu" and "Pincushion Man"...

over and over again.

You always keep me laughing...

with the crazy things you say and do.

Something happened to your brain...

probably that S-curl when you were two.

I know that now I have you laughing...

but for a minute let me be serious.

The person you've become is surprising...

and I have to admit I'm curious...

To know more about you as a man.

It's not that you are a stranger.

But right now you're so far away...

and your job puts you in danger.

Like everyone else I do worry...

and pray that God keeps you safe.

In fact you're always in my prayers...

so you can be here for Antonio's sake.

I just want you to know that I'm proud...

and thankful for what you do for our land.

I know God will again bring you home...

so I can learn more about the man.

Okay now the seriousness is over.

It's back to me being silly.

Remember when momma said not to gamble...

and then you got blackmailed by Chilly?

Right now I'm laughing so hard...

so it's time for me to go.

But let me mention one more thing.

It's one thing I do know.

You are the most honest person...

no matter who you may offend.

I thank God that you're my brudder...

and I'll love you til the end.

I'm Still Here...

Okay, so I know that I said that I would stop neglecting this blog but these days it's kind of hard not to. Now that I'm down to my last four weeks of school, things are getting crazy! One would think that by the end it would be easier, but oh no! There's so much information that has to be crammed in these last few weeks and my teachers are making sure they get it ALL in. I dont have much time for a social life. And the time I do have, I just want to rest. It will all be over soon and then I'll begin a new chapter. I'm soooo excited! I apologize to all my friends for me being unavailable at times but I know you understand. And thanks to everyone who continues to give me support when I feel overwhelmed and want to break down. I really love what I do and believe that it's worth all the hard work.

For Him

I thank you for the times you are quiet... when things don't seem so clear... I will trust in you through it all... I believe you are still here!

Aromatherapy

There are so many therapeutic benefits that come with using essential oils to heal the body. Though somewhat costly, therapeutic grade oils can heal the body emotionally and physically with usually no side effects. Did you know that applying a few drops of peppermint oil to your forehead can immediately get rid of a headache? Or that lavender oil is great for healing burns, among many other things? Rosemary oil can ease body pain and also be added to food for flavor. Tea tree oil is one of my favorites and can be used in a number of ways, from colds to insect bites. There are also blends of essential oils that can provide relaxation, help one to focus, suppress the appetite, or give a quick "pick me up". Essential oils serve multiple purposes and can be applied directly to the body, diffused in the air, and even ingested in very small quantities. There are many products out there that claim to provide aromatherapy. But the truth is, only therapeutic grade oils give the healing affect that many desire. Aromatherapy may seem expensive when compared to other remedies but I personally believe it's a great investment. Since the oil is extremely potent, it can be used very sparingly (only a few drops each treatment) so it lasts for quite some time. AND the healing process happens more speedily. The positives of aromatherapy far outweigh the negatives and is an excellent way to go. Especially if you are into naturally healing the body. So the next time you want to be pampered , treat yourself to an aromatherapy massage and be immediately relaxed or energized.

Dating Dilemma?

I've mentioned before that I've been single for quite some time now. In the last few years, I've only been on a few dates. In fact, I can count on one hand how many. It's not that I don't get asked out. I do...alot! But 99% of the time I decline the offer. Only now have I really started to think about why I almost always say no to going on dates. I think I have some kind of dating phobia or something. Or maybe I'm just reluctant because I'm a single mother who may be overly cautious. Because of my children I have to raise my standards even higher, although some may do the opposite. I can't just bring any Tom, Dick, or Harry around my kids. I have a rule of not bringing any unrelated males around my children anyway, even if they're just my friends. Still, I don't want to even entertain the thought of going on a date with someone that doesn't meet my standards to begin with. Yes...they are high and I am picky. But it's a must! If I'm not immensely intrigued before the actual date, the date won't ever happen. I guess the bottom line is...I just haven't been much intrigued.

Goodbye Summer!

My summer vacation is officially over! The gang's all here back in effect. All kids are accounted for and again under one roof. Their school year is on the verge of beginning which means it's back to the drawing board for me. It's a little awkward right now while I'm getting back into the swing of things. It's hard to believe that I manage a household with three kids all by myself. So far, so good! There's been no bickering or fighting, only hugs and kindness. I keep asking myself how long will this last but I guess I should just enjoy it while it does. My summer was most excellent and I can't find anything major to complain about. Although it's hard to say goodbye, I'm looking forward to the events that will take place in the very near future (e.g. football, graduation, my golden birthday vacation, and most importantly, preparations to move out of TN) I have to mention that I'm officially a soccer mom now since both my girls will be playing this fall. It should be very interesting. My workload will indeed increase with football practices and games for Zailes and soccer for them. So not only should I be kissing summer goodbye, but my social life as well...at least for a while.

But what about me?

I know, I know...I've been so neglectful of this blog lately. It's just that I've had school, work, and my mind has been a little preoccupied, to say the least. But no more excuses! I will attempt to get back on track starting...right now. In the last couple of weeks I have found myself to get more annoyed than usual. My tolerance has went way down. I've even caught myself feeling stressed out at times. Although I recognized the negativity early on and didn't allow it to bring me down, it left me asking the question, "What is up with me?" Not until just now, did I realize all the negativity is probably due to my lack of writing over the last couple of weeks. I guess writing is more therapeutic for me than I initially thought. I should also give some of the blame to the fact that I haven't had a massage in forever. I became accustomed to getting one every couple of days and then when my clinical started, I was cut off cold-turkey. I've almost forgotten how great massages are...almost! My body is somewhat tired and so is my mind but I absolutely love what I do! I hope I always love giving massages as much as I do now. But I must admit, I'm so over the school thing that it's not even funny. So the countdown begins...ten more weeks until I graduate. In the meantime, I will take time out of my busy schedule and make therapy (writing) a priority. Who knows? Maybe I can even squeeze getting a massage in there somewhere too.

In need of relaxation?

Receive a 50-minute full-body Swedish Massage for $25.00 at Reflections of Health School of Massage. We have started our clinicals and our appointment days are Thursdays (5:30, 6:30, and 7:30pm) and Fridays (10:00am-2:00pm). You must call and schedule an appointment.

I also will begin my practice massages outside of school soon. I'm required to do at least 30 hours. These massages will be free and most likely be done in my home. But if you have a quiet, comfortable, and private space, I will consider coming to you. Please send me an e-mail (ebalex29@hotmail.com) if you're interested.

{Yawn}

I'm finally back home and it's kind of bittersweet. I'm excited because I start my massage clinicals tomorrow but part of me is so missing Florida already. My trip was so much better than I expected and I was expecting it to be pretty good. I need to be catching up on sleep so I will post pics and such later. I also still need to un pack! I've always thought myself to be very low maintenance but whenever I pack for a vacation I realize that is so not the case. It's crazy all the things that a female needs just to go out of town for a week. I believe I'm more of a t-shirt and jeans kind of gal who occasionally likes to get spiffy. Maybe it's because I'm a mother but I would pick comfort over fashion any day. Anywho, I'm exhausted and have so many things I should be doing but instead I'm off to bed.

That's All Folks!

Ok so it’s not really “all” but those are the words that come to mind as I write my last post of the month and prepare to visit the Emerald Coast. The year has just about reached its halfway mark and I’m gratefully going on a vacation that couldn’t be at a better time. There's nothing like fireworks on the beach! I believe the 4th of July is my favorite day of the year and just the thought of that day brings to mind my best memories. I suspect that this year will be just as memorable as the years before. Perhaps I should use the word “best” instead of “favorite”. The 4th of July is my best day of the year. With that being said, I hope to have some interesting things to blog about when I return. At the very least, I hope to have some photos of my getaway to share with everyone…so stay tuned! I wish everyone the best day on the 4th and remember to be safe!

Letting It All Out

My summer has been great so far. I was expecting chaos throughout my summer months because I started a new job and massage school in April. I’m glad to say it has been just the opposite! Besides the occasional stress that comes from studying, my summer has been very relaxing and easy-going. I’m trying to soak up every minute because it won’t be long until the monotony of motherhood is back in effect. During the hectic routine of my kid’s school year, I forgot how peaceful and laidback my summer’s can be. This morning I was lying comfortably in my bed listening to nothing but silence while thinking, “How can a single mother of three have so much free time on her hands?” A dark cloud tried to come over me when I suddenly remembered the answer. I have three children who have different dads. I would be telling a lie if I said that fact didn’t bother me at all. It’s still a touchy subject for me and unless it’s going to help someone in a similar situation, I’m not usually eager to talk about it. The shame and guilt that I have over come is unbelievable and only someone in my shoes could understand. God has delivered me from most of that shame and guilt and allowed me to see how valuable I am despite my circumstances. Still, sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that this is my life. I can always stop that dark cloud from hovering over me by remembering that no one has judged me harsher than I’ve judged myself. There is nothing that no one can say about me or think about me that I haven’t already said or thought about me.

After I immediately stopped the dark cloud from taking over and ruining my day, I became very aware that through it all there is a silver lining. That being…I GET A BREAK! You better believe that mother’s do need a break, especially if you’re a single mother. But not every mother is fortunate enough to have time for herself every once in a while and certainly not as much time as I have. I have to admit that the school year is crazy at times and I could just pull me hair right out of my head. Not to mention exhausting. But if I just make it through that school year to the summer, I get an ample amount of time to recuperate. This summer Zailes is staying most nights with my grandmother or my dad (he has to take advantage now because he doesn’t get to stay much during the school year). Zarayah is with her dad for the entire summer and Caislyn stays 3 nights out of the week with her dad (if not more). I guess most mothers’ would be concerned and miss their children but I’m so past that stage. I know they’re well taken care of and they’re at an age that helps me not to worry. I do sometimes miss them but then I think…it’s only a matter of time; they’ll all be back. Although I haven’t been able to sleep in much (my body is incapable of that now) I am getting a lot of rest. I can keep my home very clean without having to clean every single day. I can even go a few days now without doing laundry…Wow! My situation is rather unique and doesn’t allow me to forget about God’s goodness. I know quite a few women who have to go through hell dealing with one dad. I deal with three and get along with them just fine. They all help me out a considerable amount financially and it wasn’t like pulling teeth to get them to do so. It’s actually pretty amazing. They all have areas to work on; as do I but all have the potential to be the best dad a child could ask for. Don't get me wrong, it’s not ALL peaches and cream. There are still times when I say, “This is why you wait.” I do have to give a shout out to my family because they have helped me out so much!

Writing this post is a final stage of my healing process. My vulnerability is out in the world for anyone to read. I would like to say that I’m cured and will never again be bothered by my situation. But I realize that if I completely forget the uncomfortable humiliation that I’ve gone through, I wouldn’t be so eager to help other females avoid some of the bad decisions that I have made in the past. Even if I marry the perfect man for me, who is willing to look beyond my circumstances, my past will always be up front and center. I have learned something through it all that will never be forgotten. God’s forgiveness will not keep me from suffering the consequences of poorly made decisions.

For Him

You’ve never let go of my hand…although many times I let go of Yours. You’re always right there guiding me…even when my attention may be somewhere else. When I fall or when I stumble, You put me right back on my feet while dusting me off...never letting go. When I’m mentally and spiritually drained and feel I just can’t go on, You pick me up and carry me for a while…so that I can get the rest that I need. I’m safe and I’m secure when my hand is in Yours…knowing that You will always be my protector. Though I can never say thank you enough, I want to Thank You…for never letting go.

Echo De Menos A Mi Sobrino

No habla Espanol...but I learned that "mi sobrino" means "my nephew". I am finally an aunt and I miss my nephew Antonio, who is half Puerto Rican (hence the Spanish), like crazy!!! I haven't seen him since February of this year but it seems like so much longer. He turned one in May and he's walking now. I can't wait until I get my hands on him in a couple of weeks when I visit! Antonio is like the softest, squishiest (not to mention the cutest) baby ever!!!! I just love to squeeze and kiss on him, even though he gets mad and squeals like a pig. He is quite a handful (or two) but I don't mind. I will spoil him to death and then hand him back over to his mom and dad (that's the beauty of being an aunt!) So look out my little taquito; Aqui Vengo

Counting the Days!

I will be starting my massage clinical hours in just a short while and the closer I get, the more excited I become. My nervousness is enormously overshadowed by my anxiousness. I cannot wait! In addition to the 60 clinical hours, I must also complete 30 hours of practice outside of school (I already have "guinea pigs" lining up). If you've had a professional massage before, you already know how wonderful it can be. Those who have not yet had the privilege may be a little skeptical. Let me tell ya...it's a fabulous thing! Not only does massage therapy feel great (ahhhhh), but the physical Benefits of Massage are extensive as well. Just click on the link and see for yourself! If anyone is interested in receiving one of my free "practice" massages, please contact me and let me know (ebalex29@hotmail.com). Also, anyone can come to the school and get a clinical massage but it will not be free (though inexpensive) and there is no guarantee that I will be your therapist. I will post more details about the clinical and practice massages when I start in about three weeks, if not sooner.

The Obama Effect

The Obama bug without a doubt has bitten me. I have to admit that Tuesday night was an unexpected emotional time for me. I never thought that I would see a black man get so close to becoming the president of the United States. It seems so unreal. There’s just something about Barack Obama…well, there’s a lot of something’s about him. I don’t think I have ever been so moved and captivated by a single man. I have asked myself if I would feel the same about him if he were not black. The answer is yes...at least I think I would feel the same. Although some assume that black people like him just because of his race, there’s more to him than that. He is highly intelligent and full of passion; I love his wittiness; He possesses charisma beyond belief; I always admire a man with ambition; His upbringing adds to his uniqueness; The love he has for his wife...ahhhh so refreshing; The fact that he’s black…well that’s just a cherry on top. I mean, he can't make a lame man walk or a blind man see but every time I hear him speak I’m like, “Wow, God broke the mold after he made him.” Though I hope that’s not true because our society could benefit greatly from more young men like Obama. I can remember how fascinated I was when I first seen him and his wife on Oprah a few years ago. I then got the impression that he may someday run for President and be a great candidate but I didn’t think that he would move so soon. My intentions are not to take anything away from other great African-American leaders in our past, but I am experiencing Obama first-hand so he touches me in a way that the others could not. I pray every day that God will protect him.

A State of Bereavement

I have yet to feel grief at it's maximum level. I lost my great grandfather when I was in elementary school but was too young to really grasp what was going on. Plus he was almost 105 years old when he died and I guess death is kind of expected at that age. One of my really good friends left this world almost nine years ago and I unfailingly think of him this time of year because of his birthday which is tomorrow. I was nine months pregnant when he died so I didn't attend his funeral. I believe my pregnancy and not attending the funeral kept me from feeling the full affects of his passing. I had Zailes the very next day after his burial and it wasn't until my son was about a week old, that I actually cried and felt sadness. Up until that point I felt like it was a dream...like he wasn't really gone. My mother's dad died last year but I wasn't that close to him. I did however feel grief to a certain extent. I have yet to go to a funeral because my grandfather just had a memorial service. I did attend and remember the somewhat foreign feelings of grief creeping up on me. My first thoughts were, how on Earth do people deal with this? The feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced even though the grief was just at a minimal level. I started to think of the people closest to me and how I would feel if they ever left me, or vice versa. I couldn't understand why God would let us feel such pain. I remember thinking, how can people actually believe there is no God? Just the fact that one day someone you love is here and the next day they're gone, is crazy to me! I'm not looking forward to facing the days when my closest loved ones will be gone and I'm trying not to take for granted their accessibility. But it gets hard sometimes because it's easy to forget in this world that none of us are promised tomorrow. I miss you friend! I think of you so much and all the memories that we shared. Like the time you wore my prom dress and your sneakers around school...I've never laughed so hard in my life trying to get you zipped up in that thing. I could go on, and on. I have a lifetime of memories to live with but I would much rather have you here. I would love to hear your contagious laugh at least one more time. If I could only touch you and see your smiling face...that would make my life. I wish I would've been there and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to pay tribute and say my last goodbyes. But I thank God for protecting me and my unborn child from such heartache. Every time you enter my dreams, I try my best to tell you about everything that has happened or everything that is going on but I just wish that you were here so that you could know for yourself. I love and miss you and I'm sure that many others would agree that you will never be forgotten! Rest In Peace...my friend Micheal G. Whittington

So much for that idea!

It’s not funny…but it is! My poor, poor orchid…and to think that I was so nervous about killing this flower…now look at it! Are you laughing as much as I am? I have it sitting right next to my computer and every time I look at it, I laugh. A few weeks ago, I sat my plant out on the porch to get a little bit of sunlight. But I was so neglectful because I forgot to bring it back in. Why did it have to get so cold that night, of all nights? I discovered my orchid the next day when I was checking my mail. Just the bottom blossom was wilted so I thought that it would be okay…I was wrong! I’m sorry to say that it died a slow death too. I wish that I had taken a picture of it before it died because it really grew a lot. I was taking good care of my orchid until I left it out all night but everything sort of went downhill after that. Thanks to everyone that gave me encouragement but evidently I have a black thumb instead of a green one. I’m not going to try again right now but next time I will definitely be getting something easy! The crazy thing is…it makes me laugh so much that now I wouldn’t want the flower any other way!

New Experience

Last night I went to Stir Fry Cafe and ate sushi for the first time ever. I tried four different kinds and liked all but one. I didn't care too much for the Dragon Roll...maybe it was the water eel, I don't know. The others I tried were the Spider roll, Boston roll, and the Spicy Stir Fry roll which was the best of the four. I also learned to use chopsticks (it just didn't seem right to eat sushi without chopsticks). Although I surprisingly liked the sushi, it's not something that I'll eat on a regular basis. But for those who love sushi, the Stir Fry Cafe is a great place to go. Every Wednesday they have a select variety of their sushi for half price. And to add to that, I've heard from a few people that it's the best place in town for sushi...which they say is partly due to the unique atmosphere of the Stir Fry Cafe. I love to try new things and now (as Wendy so well put it) I can add eating sushi to my resume of life.

I Don't Do Pets!

I won’t mention any names but someone had the bright idea to give my kids two fish…a blue betta for Zailes, and a red one for the girls. We have had those fish for about two weeks and I already want to get rid of them! They’re both on my kitchen counter in their own little bowl and sometimes I forget to feed them. I swear (and I never swear) when I walk in the kitchen, they’re going all crazy and looking at me like, “B___h can we eat?” (Sigh) Animals are just not for me! Don’t get me wrong…I like them…I just don’t like to take care of them! Zailes is always asking for a dog, hamster, or something. I told him that maybe he can have a pet when he gets older. That probably won’t happen though because I’ll be the one stuck with the responsibility. A couple of years ago I let my brother get by with sending my kids four turtles from FL only because they stay at my mom’s. So, to my family members and anyone else who has the urge to buy a pet for Zailes, Zarayah, or Caislyn…remember the above title and please plan to keep it at your house!

Talk about spring cleaning...

Normally, I can’t rest peacefully in my home when it’s in disarray. When things are messy, I feel weighed down and will not be free from anxiety until everything is clean. BUT- the last few days I’ve been straight-up chillin in a home in total chaos. My mind has been in somewhat of a conflict! Part of it saying, “You know you need to get up and get this place together!” The other part saying, “I’m tired and I ain’t cleanin’ today!” The “I’m tired” part has been winning lately and today I found my apartment to be the messiest it’s been since I’ve lived here. To some people, it may not have been that bad but to me it was like, “aaagghhhhh!” I couldn’t take it anymore! So I’ve been cleaning like crazy since I got off of work this morning. I started with my bedroom, which was totally disorganized except for my closet and bed. I have this crazy compulsive thing about unmade beds and cannot stand to see one. I don’t care if my whole house is turned completely upside down; you better believe that the beds are made. My kids don’t do the best job at cleaning their rooms but they know how to make them beds! Anyway, I just finished cleaning and decided to take a little break before painting. I can’t take the walls anymore either! Thanks to Caislyn, there’s pen, marker, crayon, etc. on almost every wall. I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl; my other two never wrote on the walls, floors…EVERYTHING. Tonight, I will clean the carpet…can’t take that either! I’ve been resting pretty well, considering the disorder I’ve been living in…but I know that my sleep will be 10x better tonight!

With Flying Colors!

For the past several days, I have surprisingly found myself wanting a cigarette. What’s up with that?!? It has been two years and three months since I stopped smoking and it’s certainly not a habit that I will ever pick up again. The whole time that I smoked, I absolutely hated that I was a smoker. When I first wanted to quit, I tried everything! But my lack in will power made all of my attempts unsuccessful. I finally just had to pray. God eventually answered my prayer and gave me the strength to quit cold turkey. He didn’t take the cigarettes away from me; He took me away from the cigarettes! And He did it in such a way that made me never want to touch one again. I know for sure that I’m done! I love too much the fact that I have more energy, my hair, hands, and mouth don’t smell like an ashtray, and I’m ultimately healthier. I guess these past few days have been just a test because the more that I want a cigarette, the more I see people smoking. I’m so grateful that I was able to lose such a disgusting habit and I’m no longer controlled by a little stick of tobacco. Now that I’m done writing this…I believe I’ve passed the test!

Nostalgia

I often ride past my former high school, but this morning as I drove by I couldn’t help but feel a bit nostalgic. I didn’t care much for high school when I was younger but many times I heard grown folks say, “One day you’ll miss it!” Although they were right, at the time I couldn’t understand why they would say such a thing. I guess you just don’t know…until you know. I have a lot of great recollections from my high school years but I can only vaguely remember what it was like to be carefree (no kids, no bills, no qualms). Even though the wistful desire to go back in time clouded my mind this morning, I would only go back under one condition. Only If I can take with me all the knowledge and wisdom that I have at this moment, would I relive those days. Otherwise…I’d rather stay in the present, and be content with the vivid memories that I have of such a significant time.

So My Timing Was Off

In August 2006, I set 14 goals that I wanted to complete by August 2007. I gave myself only a year because I wanted to rush and accomplish all of my goals very quickly (patience has always been a weakness of mine BUT I've improved greatly). In retrospect, that time frame was truly unrealistic for all the things that I wanted to do. Now it's May 2008, almost two years since I sat down and wrote that list of goals. I decided to write them down because having them on paper somehow gave me the sense that I couldn't back out. And I made sure to put the list of goals in a place that would force me to look at them often. A bookmark in my bible...I thought that seemed fitting. I bet you're wondering if I reached them all. The answer is no...not yet! I have 4 more to complete and it's possible that every goal will be reached by August 2008. If not, I won't be worried about it. I crossed out the "to be completed by August 2007" part and replaced it with, "to be completed on God's timing." His timing is so much better than mine. Some of the goals were big and some were little. But nevertheless, I need God for the little goals just as much as I need Him for the big ones. It's only a short matter of time before every item on my goal list will be checked off and then it will be time to sit down and make a new one.

For Him

In spite of my circumstances, You have blessed me abundantly. Your grace, Your mercy...has rescued me from a life full of sorrow and pain, and provided me with a life full of joy and peace. I look at some and say, "That could've been me...That should've been me!" But instead, I have somehow found favor in Your eyes and I give You the glory. I am so not deserving! There is nothing that I can say...do...or even think about, which comes close to showing You the appreciation that You deserve. I will always cherish my desire to serve You!

"What was I about to do?"

I just finished my second week of school and I also took my first Anatomy and Physiology test today. I think I did pretty well but I won't know my score until Wednesday. Studying is something that is fairly new to me because I never had to in the past. I was always a great test-taker as long as I paid attention in class. I'm not bragging though because most things were forgotten soon after the test was over. A&P is not one of my strong subjects, to say the least. So I have to cling to every word being taught AND spend a considerable amount of time studying. The fact that the massage program is super accelerated doesn't help because everything is just being crammed into my head. Consequently, I find myself doing things like...getting ready to take a shower and then forgetting about the shower before I make it to the bathroom. (I remember after a few minutes so don't think I'm walking around smelly...maybe in a couple months :-)) You should see me when I'm cleaning the house! I have to pause in between tasks so that I can remember what I was doing. My brain is too busy trying to remember things like...the lateral pterygoid muscle inserts into the mandible and the temporomandibular joint capsule. I'm certainly out of my element for the time being. Hopefully my brain can adjust and retain information (new and old) a little more efficiently. I'm sure it will get more difficult in the days to come so please keep me in your prayers. The massage part...lovin it! I'm learning so much and that class is so much easier. So in spite of the complex A&P class, I believe I'm well on my way!

The Truth Is...

Not much (if anything) in this world is worth the negative energy brought on by stress. That being said...let us pick and choose our battles wisely. Why waste time fighting needless battles, when we may have other battles that require all of our energy and attention?

Is It My Fault?

Time and time again I have the disappointing feeling that none of the people closest to me, really know me. I have always been a rather private person. Now (because of this blog) I think some of my transparency is evident but I haven’t always been the one to share my thoughts, feelings, or opinions. In the past, I became accustom to the habit of keeping things to myself. However I did share everything with God and prayed on a regular basis. I know that He will never give me the wrong advice, which (sometimes) humans do. Although I found my method for coping with issues to be the best for me, it prevented the people I care about most from knowing whom I am deep down. Hopefully they can see a little more than what’s on the surface but I feel the best parts of me have gone unnoticed. So who’s to blame? I do have a tendency to shut people out of those "best parts" because I feel like, “They just won’t get it!” On the other hand, it seems to be a human instinct to focus on the negative aspect of people and make gossip the center of attention. I guess the truth is…no one will ever know us like God knows us! But I think we should make an attempt to really know the ones we love as much as we can. Some may call it being nosey; I call it being interested. Finding out what makes someone tick will cut out a lot of unnecessary dialogue and make it easier for us to relate. I hope someone gets what I’m trying to say!

Trying to Adjust

I’m one of those people who thrive on routine. Maybe it’s because I’m a mother, but my life seems to run much smoother when things are in order and I’m on schedule. You may catch me being spontaneous every once in a while but not very often. I like to plan! Consequently, change overwhelms me to the fullest. No matter if the change is good or bad, necessary or unnecessary, expected or unexpected, just the fact that I have to adapt makes me uneasy. I am finally starting massage school next Wednesday and it’s something that I’ve anticipated for far too long. I had to leave a job that I happened to love because my school schedule wouldn’t allow me to work there any longer. So, a few days ago I started a new job that I think I will like when I become more familiar with it. As a result, my schedule has been altered drastically. I’ve spent the last few days reminding myself that I can adapt pretty quickly and then things won’t be so crazy. Actually, things will probably stay crazy for a few months but as long as I can get into the routine of crazy, I’ll be fine! I’m extremely grateful that God never changes because that would be way too much for me to handle!

For Him

So many chances to get it right-

I didn't listen to Your Word.

Now a single mother of three-

asking for strength to carry on.

All of them have different dads-

just the thought brought so much shame.

Didn't think this could ever be my life-

why did it take so much pain?

To realize just who you are-

and that Your Word should never be ignored.

It's the key to everything in life-

Your Word I now love and adore.

Finally see the precious light-

there is reason for your instruction.

You want the best life for me here on Earth-

Your Word will keep me from destruction.

Now I strive to live the right way-

in spite of all my previous errors.

I'm choosing to follow Your Word-

for Your Word will last forever!

To Be...or Not To Be?

I am currently single and have been for the last three years. After my last relationship ended, I promised myself that I wouldn’t get into another until I was COMPLETELY over it. Well…I have been completely, 100%, so very far over that “ship” for quite some time and it has sailed!!! So why am I still single? Because there was some other things that needed to take place too. The most important things being, I had to find me and then learn to love me. Now that I have found and love who I am, I find myself asking, “Do I really want to be in another relationship?” Do I really want to risk my drama and care free, non-stressful, though unromantic, single life, just to invest an abundant amount of energy and emotion into another being? Is there any guarantee that I will be as happy, or happier, than I am now and my heart will never be broken? Ok, there’s a good possibility (because of the person I’ve become) that my heart won’t be broken again (in terms of a relationship). BUT, I’m sure a “ship” will bring me some type of stress and disappointment because we’re only human. I have to say (for the most part) I do want to be in a relationship again someday, but why? Why would I even entertain the thought of taking a chance on someone else, considering my past relationships? Possibly, I believe that all those failed attempts at what I thought was love were preparing me for the future. And I guess I believe that maybe, just maybe, there is someone who was made especially for me. A MAN, who I will find to be worth all the risks and who will make all of my previous questions irrelevant. Until then...

I Think I Can!

I currently own a few plants and a couple of trees that are placed strategically throughout my apartment. It is my assumption that having plants in my home makes it feel more alive. There’s only one problem…none of them are actually living…they’re all FAKE. I have never once had a plant that was truly ALIVE. Until now! I went to Home Depot and decided to buy something out of the nursery that was living and breathing. You know…a plant that requires me to take care of it and not just dust it off every once in a while. As soon as I laid eyes on the assortment of Cane Orchids, I had to have one. I think they are so beautiful!!! I mean really, the picture just doesn't do it justice. So, I have a project to keep this magnificent flower alive and well. Part of me is so nervous because I don’t want to kill such an exquisite creation! The other part of me is pretty excited. I’m a very nurturing person and hopefully that will help my orchid to flourish. If I happen to mess up and not do as well as I anticipate, I have a year warranty! I can replace the flower in the event that it kills over and try again. I don’t like failing at anything and I certainly don’t want to fail at this. Maybe I should’ve started out with something a little easier. Pray for me! Hahaha

Silly, Silly Me

What do I think?...I think that laughter is the key to my heart! If someone can make me laugh, I can't help but to like that person. Perhaps, even love. I believe without a doubt that laughter is the best medicine. It can cure a bad mood better than anything that I know. I love watching things that make me laugh, hearing things that bring on laughter, and I especially love being around funny people. Seeing someone fall down or in an embarrassing situation is not particularly funny to me. I prefer to be humored in a way that requires some kind of creativity. I have a great deal of funny people in my family and I also like to think that I'm (for the most part) humorous. I tell everyone that my mom is a big cornball but I have to admit that she is pretty funny. We always have each other rolling. -Does that mean that I'm a cornball too?!?!? Oh well! I once read something that said to fake laugh whenever you feel sad, mad, angry, etc.. And just the act of doing so, will make you really laugh and lighten your mood. But seriously...who can remember to do that during those times? Not me! But I tried fake laughing just now and it did work. I'm not in a bad mood though so maybe thats why. Regardless, I think we should laugh as much as we can. So watch, listen, and surround yourself with funny!

When All Else Fails...

Psalms 37:4 "Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." KJV

Have you ever wanted something so bad, you could taste it? I know I have! In fact...I do at this very moment. I have prayed about it countless times, and truly believe that God has showed me in countless ways that I will receive the desires of my heart (when I'm ready for them of course). Still, I have those days when doubt seems to creep up on me out of nowhere. Those dreadful days, when everything I see and hear contradicts God's promises to me. BUT!!! I've learned to have faith in God and just ignore what the world is telling and showing me. Maybe it's just me...but I find it empowering to believe that something will happen. Especially when the odds seem to be against me. Knowing that nothing is impossible with God allows me to do this. My hope is built and my faith is strengthened. So, if God has given you a desire and the odds seem to be against you...have faith! When all else fails...just have faith! It will come to pass.

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." KJV

Get Your Shine On

They say that diamonds are a girl's best friend. But I'm here to tell you that WE ARE the diamonds! Well...perhaps some of us are diamonds in the rough. But STILL diamonds! Diamonds can only be formed in high-pressure and of course it takes time. But once we reach our luxurious state, all the time and pressure was well worth it. Diamonds are the hardest known natural material and therefore can only be scratched by another diamond. So in other words, they are very durable and maintain their polish extremely well. I guess that's why they're preferred over any other gemstone. So ladies, be the diamonds that you are and continue to shine. And if you haven't reached diamond status yet, don't give in to the pressure. You'll make it! If it so happens that you haven't yet realized you ARE a diamond, BE CAREFUL!!! If you don't know your worth, how can you know when you've lost it?

Water

There is no doubt that water is essential for the survival of every thing that has life. I think of all the tears that I have cried throughout my life thus far. I've probably cried more than most. Being a single mother of three is not easy and the fact that I'm extra-sensitive doesn't help. My grandmother told me that when I was a little girl, if anyone even looked at me the wrong way, I would burst into tears. I believe crying is what I use most to express how I feel, whether I'm expressing happiness OR sadness. What can I say? I'm just a big crybaby! The point is...all those tears were necessary for my mental and spiritual growth. Okay, maybe not all of them were necessary but they provided growth nonetheless. And I HAVE grown soooo much. I actually like the person that I've become. I couldn't say that a few years ago. I thank God that most of my tears these days are brought on by sheer happiness and joy instead of sadness. I'm blessed! You may not always know what to say, what actions to take, or what thoughts you should have. But if tears are falling down your face, rest assure and know growth is taking place. Too much of anything is bad for you so be careful not to over-water. Even so, there's nothing like a good cry!