Letting It All Out

My summer has been great so far. I was expecting chaos throughout my summer months because I started a new job and massage school in April. I’m glad to say it has been just the opposite! Besides the occasional stress that comes from studying, my summer has been very relaxing and easy-going. I’m trying to soak up every minute because it won’t be long until the monotony of motherhood is back in effect. During the hectic routine of my kid’s school year, I forgot how peaceful and laidback my summer’s can be. This morning I was lying comfortably in my bed listening to nothing but silence while thinking, “How can a single mother of three have so much free time on her hands?” A dark cloud tried to come over me when I suddenly remembered the answer. I have three children who have different dads. I would be telling a lie if I said that fact didn’t bother me at all. It’s still a touchy subject for me and unless it’s going to help someone in a similar situation, I’m not usually eager to talk about it. The shame and guilt that I have over come is unbelievable and only someone in my shoes could understand. God has delivered me from most of that shame and guilt and allowed me to see how valuable I am despite my circumstances. Still, sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that this is my life. I can always stop that dark cloud from hovering over me by remembering that no one has judged me harsher than I’ve judged myself. There is nothing that no one can say about me or think about me that I haven’t already said or thought about me.

After I immediately stopped the dark cloud from taking over and ruining my day, I became very aware that through it all there is a silver lining. That being…I GET A BREAK! You better believe that mother’s do need a break, especially if you’re a single mother. But not every mother is fortunate enough to have time for herself every once in a while and certainly not as much time as I have. I have to admit that the school year is crazy at times and I could just pull me hair right out of my head. Not to mention exhausting. But if I just make it through that school year to the summer, I get an ample amount of time to recuperate. This summer Zailes is staying most nights with my grandmother or my dad (he has to take advantage now because he doesn’t get to stay much during the school year). Zarayah is with her dad for the entire summer and Caislyn stays 3 nights out of the week with her dad (if not more). I guess most mothers’ would be concerned and miss their children but I’m so past that stage. I know they’re well taken care of and they’re at an age that helps me not to worry. I do sometimes miss them but then I think…it’s only a matter of time; they’ll all be back. Although I haven’t been able to sleep in much (my body is incapable of that now) I am getting a lot of rest. I can keep my home very clean without having to clean every single day. I can even go a few days now without doing laundry…Wow! My situation is rather unique and doesn’t allow me to forget about God’s goodness. I know quite a few women who have to go through hell dealing with one dad. I deal with three and get along with them just fine. They all help me out a considerable amount financially and it wasn’t like pulling teeth to get them to do so. It’s actually pretty amazing. They all have areas to work on; as do I but all have the potential to be the best dad a child could ask for. Don't get me wrong, it’s not ALL peaches and cream. There are still times when I say, “This is why you wait.” I do have to give a shout out to my family because they have helped me out so much!

Writing this post is a final stage of my healing process. My vulnerability is out in the world for anyone to read. I would like to say that I’m cured and will never again be bothered by my situation. But I realize that if I completely forget the uncomfortable humiliation that I’ve gone through, I wouldn’t be so eager to help other females avoid some of the bad decisions that I have made in the past. Even if I marry the perfect man for me, who is willing to look beyond my circumstances, my past will always be up front and center. I have learned something through it all that will never be forgotten. God’s forgiveness will not keep me from suffering the consequences of poorly made decisions.