A State of Bereavement

I have yet to feel grief at it's maximum level. I lost my great grandfather when I was in elementary school but was too young to really grasp what was going on. Plus he was almost 105 years old when he died and I guess death is kind of expected at that age. One of my really good friends left this world almost nine years ago and I unfailingly think of him this time of year because of his birthday which is tomorrow. I was nine months pregnant when he died so I didn't attend his funeral. I believe my pregnancy and not attending the funeral kept me from feeling the full affects of his passing. I had Zailes the very next day after his burial and it wasn't until my son was about a week old, that I actually cried and felt sadness. Up until that point I felt like it was a dream...like he wasn't really gone. My mother's dad died last year but I wasn't that close to him. I did however feel grief to a certain extent. I have yet to go to a funeral because my grandfather just had a memorial service. I did attend and remember the somewhat foreign feelings of grief creeping up on me. My first thoughts were, how on Earth do people deal with this? The feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced even though the grief was just at a minimal level. I started to think of the people closest to me and how I would feel if they ever left me, or vice versa. I couldn't understand why God would let us feel such pain. I remember thinking, how can people actually believe there is no God? Just the fact that one day someone you love is here and the next day they're gone, is crazy to me! I'm not looking forward to facing the days when my closest loved ones will be gone and I'm trying not to take for granted their accessibility. But it gets hard sometimes because it's easy to forget in this world that none of us are promised tomorrow. I miss you friend! I think of you so much and all the memories that we shared. Like the time you wore my prom dress and your sneakers around school...I've never laughed so hard in my life trying to get you zipped up in that thing. I could go on, and on. I have a lifetime of memories to live with but I would much rather have you here. I would love to hear your contagious laugh at least one more time. If I could only touch you and see your smiling face...that would make my life. I wish I would've been there and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to pay tribute and say my last goodbyes. But I thank God for protecting me and my unborn child from such heartache. Every time you enter my dreams, I try my best to tell you about everything that has happened or everything that is going on but I just wish that you were here so that you could know for yourself. I love and miss you and I'm sure that many others would agree that you will never be forgotten! Rest In Peace...my friend Micheal G. Whittington