It's Me

Just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself, I learn much more. The past couple of months have been eye opening for me. I'm becoming aware of my personality and why I think the way I think. I spent about 4 years really focusing on me and taking the time to get to know who I am and what I want in life. I learned a lot during that time and my self-esteem, confidence, and self worth were built up enormously. But the things I'm discovering about me now are not necessarily good...but it's me. The most apparent thing I've discovered about myself is how superficial I am. I'm so much more superficial than I originally thought and I'm not proud of it. I guess it's something I've always kinda been aware of but didn't pay much attention to. When it comes to outside appearances or things just on the surface, I am SUPER particular. I've always been a perfectionist and really into how I present myself. If I dress up then everything has to be perfect! If I dress like a bum then I must look like a perfect bum. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want to look like depending on the look I'm going for. I think this superficiality is harmless when it's only concerning me. But the problem is I'm letting it affect potential relationships. I will pick a man apart and the smallest thing will bother me to the point where I just can't let it go. I'm very particular about how I want a man to carry himself...the way he talks, walks, and dresses is important to me. Maybe too important! Never do I want to change a person although sometimes I would like to. So I must be with someone just as particular as me or learn to let some things go. Otherwise I'll be 70 yrs old and still not married. I think God made this month "let's show Ebony how picky she is" month. I'm seeing all of my quirks and hang-ups and it's been humbling to say the least. But it seems it's necessary to know even the "not so good" about myself.

Type...I Shall!

I can't believe I'm going on my 3rd year of having this blog...AND I'M STILL WRITING!! I've written about so much and when I find the time I will go back and read through it all. There have been times when I've felt like deleting the whole thing but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I want it to last forever even if I do eventually stop writing. It will defeat the whole purpose of why I started it if I just erase everything. Who knows...5 years from now someone may come across it at a time when they really need to read something that I've wrote. I've read a couple of the old ones and it's interesting to see how I've developed over the years. This blog is sort of like my own personal timeline and I look forward to looking back and reading all my posts when I'm old and gray...AND sharing them with my children!

Hmmmm...

What good is all the knowledge in the world, if you don't have the wisdom to go with it? Sometimes intelligent people do very stupid things...Lord please make me wiser!

Can you see me now?...Good!

Christmas was great and New Year's was fine...in 2010, it's my time to shine! Hehe...sorry for being such a cliche but I really do plan to shine this year. Of course the way I want to shine is probably not the way most people mean that they're gonna shine. I want my light to come from within. I'm continuously asking God to help me improve my inner beauty because that's what He sees, which means that's the most important. Although I'm working on my internal self, my light should be seen everywhere I go...it should shine through...especially in the midst of darkness. Darkness can never be the conqueror of light. If light is shining...someone is going to see it. Therefore, I'm going to continue to shine and make my light brighter and brighter. And it's all for God's glory!

FEAR

I can think of alot of things that I don't ever want to happen but none of them cause me to feel real fear. I used to have stupid fears (like spiders) when I was younger and and didn't know any better. But now there's only one true fear that I have and that would be God. It's not a terrifying or agonizing fear but it's a fear that certainly puts me in check. There are times when that fear comes over me and I can't help but recognize God's power. Only He can kill the body AND the spirit. Just the thought of what He could do to me and the thought of being away from His love causes me to feel fear to the max. It makes me wonder why can't everybody just have that same fear of God. People would not do some of the horrible things in which they do if they feared the Lord. I never want to experience being separated from God's love...especially for eternity! That's what you call hell. And those who are left behind after the rapture will experience hell on Earth because the Comforter (which is the Holy Spirit) will be gone too! It's sad that some people won't realize how REAL God is until it's too late. But one thing is sure...whether you believe in Him or you don't, He will get His glory! Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess. Although my life is not the worst and probably better than most people's...I look forward to that day! Every time I hear someone speaking against God or I witness evil taking place, it just heightens my anticipation for His return. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus is preparing a place and then He's coming back. Will you be ready?! If you're not sure then just pray this simple prayer..."God please let me be accountable worthy to stand before Jesus and escape the things which shall come to pass here on Earth." If you pray that prayer, trust me, God will get you ready.

All of God's children gotta crown...

Aren't you glad that once God gives us a crown, NOBODY can take it away?!? Over the years, I've seen a few women in these pageants either lose their crown, or have it almost taken away (which is happening to Miss CA now). She got her crown...some unpleasant things surfaced from her past...her crown is now in jeopardy. I'm so glad I serve a forgiving God who washes my sins away. Once I'm forgiven, I don't have to worry about anything in my past coming to the surface. Gods know me inside and out! We've all done things in our past that we're not proud of and may even be shameful about. And you better believe that the enemy will use those things to bring us down and make us feel like we're unforgivable. But the enemy is a lie!!! Though he may try, he can't take away the crown that God has given us. You can give it to him if you want to, but he can't take it. Jesus died for ours sins! We can't let that sacrifice be in vain by believing we're beyond forgiveness. We must confess, repent, and turn away from the things that are holding us back from God. The Lord will then see right past our faults and provide every one of our needs. So I don't know about you, but I'm gonna rock my crown...and with confidence!!! Knowing that in spite of all my shortcomings and indiscretions, no one can take away what God has given me!

We Live and We Learn

When I foolishly decided that I was going to get married, God stepped in and said...NOT! Now, I know that I would be divorced already, but back then I thought marriage was what I wanted and needed. Since going to marriage counseling made the marriage license cheaper, that is what we decided to do. It was apparent that it was not meant to be from day one of the counseling. I don’t remember much from those sessions but I remember one thing very distinctly. There was a moment when my pastor and I were alone. He looked straight into my eyes and said, “Do you really want to live the rest of your life on a roller coaster ride?” It was as if my pastor had witnessed every minute of my relationship with his very own eyes. That question lingered in my mind for the next 24 hours. I started out thinking, ‘I like roller coasters! They’re so fun and exciting.’ As my thought continued, I remembered that there are certain roller coasters that make me sick and give me excruciating headaches. As my thought got even deeper, I realized that roller coasters are very short-lived. They usually last only a couple of minutes for a reason. Any longer and they become uncomfortable and detrimental. I ultimately decided that a lifetime on a roller coaster ride was not for me. The next day the marriage was postponed indefinitely but it took some time for me to completely get out of a relationship that I so needed to get out of. I can’t help but thank the Lord for not giving me everything I think I want. It’s now obvious to me that (most of the time) I don’t even know what I need. I changed my prayer from, “God please make this relationship work” to, “God please place me in a relationship that does work.” I’m forever grateful that God always knows my needs! And when my prayers are said and done…that’s all that matters.

But God...

I've always been a complainer and I don't admit that proudly. Although I believe I've improved in the last couple of years, it's something that I constantly have to work on and be aware of. I know in my mind that I have no right to complain about anything, but since I'm human it's hard not to let the negative outshine the positive at times. I try to let God hear "thank-you" from me way more than He hears gripes and complaints. But when I'm whining, He still always manages to remind me that things could be worse. Even when I'm sick and in pain my complaining holds no weight. For every 1 complaint that I have, there's 100 blessings. I may be tired and feel like not doing a thing...but God gives me the strength to get out of bed every morning. My kids may be driving me up the walll...but God has given me three children who are healthy and beautiful. I'm not exactly where I want to be in my life...but God has blessed me with the desire and ambition to succeed. I have suffered a great deal of unnecessary heartache over the years...but God has taken my ashes and turned them into beauty. I've learned that life doesn't always seem fair. I've also learned that no matter what negativity comes my way...no matter what I may have to endure...I can ALWAYS say...but God...

What A Fellowship...

As you may know by now, I just love writing! I truly believe that God has blessed me with a gift of expressing myself through written words. When I started this blog, I ask God what should be the name, URL, and theme. So it’s no surprise to me that I go to Him before every blog that I post and ask for the knowledge and wisdom to write something that will be beneficial. I want everything I do to be to God's glory and not my own. I don't write so that people can leave comments or tell me that I'm a good writer. My hope is that God will lead me to share something that someone out there can grab onto and benefit from. It doesn't matter if I have one reader or ten thousand.

With that being said, I feel overwhelmingly compelled to write about something near and dear to my heart…God's accessibility. Salvation is hands down the best gift but I’m in constant awe of how available God is to me. I've never been the one to seek out human advice (partly because I used to be extremely shy, and partly because I don’t trust that people will give advice that’s not out of emotion). Therefore, I’ve always gone to God about everything. Whenever I need to talk I just picture him sitting wherever I am, listening to my every word. If I’m in my car, then He’s in the passenger seat. If I’m in my bed, then He’s sitting on the side of it. It’s something that I’ve done since I was a small child and I can only imagine that by now He’s like, “What now?” But I know that’s not the case. I just love that I can go to him anytime, anywhere, about anything! No matter if it’s 3pm or 3am. No matter if I’m driving in my car or I’m down on my knees. No matter if I’m praying for snow or praying for a sick family member. He’s there to listen. God doesn’t put me on hold or tell me to come back later. He’s never too busy or too tired to listen to me. I don’t have to make an appointment or be dressed a certain way to talk to Him. The Lord is my best friend! He makes me laugh and He sometimes makes me cry. He provides me with everything that I need and sometimes He gives me what I want. Every time I go to Him, I am comforted. Whether He answers my prayer right then or He tells me to wait…I am comforted! There have been times when I was so heartbroken that I thought I would die. Times when I was hurting so bad that I couldn’t go to God myself so I asked Jesus to go on my behalf. Those are the times when I was instantly comforted. I’ve never felt worse after talking to God, only better. I’m continuously aware of the things that I see and hear. I’m continuously thanking God for my blessings. I don’t just thank Him for everything. I will sit and try to individually name the things that I thank Him for. Of course that is no easy task because He’s done countless things for me. Yet still I try. I don’t want something (whether it be big or small) to have to be taken away from me before I realize what a blessing it is. From the toenails on my toes to the hair on my head, I’m blessed! From the pillow on my bed to the money in my pocket, I’m blessed. So if you see me driving or I’m out somewhere and it seems that I’m talking to myself, don’t be worried…that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m not crazy, (well maybe just a little) I’m just talking to my Lord who now lives within me.

It's hard to hold back!

I'm trying my best not to blog about politics but man it's getting so hard because of the frustration I feel. When I think about John McCain becoming president my stomach starts to turn and I feel exactly the way I felt in 2000 at the thought of Bush winning. It's hard to describe the feeling really. You see...I've been blessed with discernment. I knew he would be a terrible president and my belief is that John McCain will be even worse. And this Sarah Palin chick really makes me nervous. Although I've been for Obama all along, I would've been content with Hillary as well. She took us women so many steps ahead but every time I hear Palin in an interview I realize that she is taking us so many steps back. It's like she's undoing everything that Hillary did. It's obvious that she doesn't know what she's talking about 95% of the time. She's just spouting off what she's been taught to say in the last 6 weeks, which is making her look really dumb. The fact that she's so unprepared for the job that she's been called to do, makes her seem as if she's all beauty and no brains. I want someone in there who already knows what's going on in the world, not somebody who has to be filled in on what to say in a matter of weeks. Sarah Palin may very well be an intelligent lady (in Alaska) but she's clearly out of her league on this one. People are absolutely nuts to think that she can run this country in the event that McCain is unable to.

Next frustration...

John McCain's demeanor is so irritating. Does he really believe that he's better than Obama? I'm not even speaking politically. He really acts like Obama is beneath him or something. Since all politicians lie (some more than others), try watching the debates on mute and just look at the way each of them carries themselves. It's incredible! Take away all the words and you can see who has the passion and actually believes what he or she is saying.

Next frustration...

It bothers me that some think we black people are only voting for Obama because he is black. Like he has nothing else to offer! I have no doubt that he will be a great president. I just pray for his safety. I don't agree with everything he believes. Like abortion for example. I believe it's wrong...Obama believes in choice. I can't fault him for that because the one thing that God gave us control of is choice. We can choose the we way live our lives. I have always said, "the one thing humans don't need control of, is the one thing that God gave us control of." Yes, we will have to suffer consequences if we make the wrong choices but we still have that right to choose. That's all I will say about that! Read my previous blog "The Obama Effect" if you want to know why I initially decided to vote for him.

Through all this I try to remember that God is in control and no matter who wins, He will take care of me. Although, when the winner is decided, there will be some extremely negative reactions regardless. God rules my life no matter the president. He got me through these last 8 years, which were terribly ran, and He'll continue to pull me through the rest...whatever the case may be. Still it's hard to ward off the feelings of frustration at times. I'm grateful at the chance to witness this history and I realize how far this country has come. But it's kind of bitter-sweet. On one hand...there's a black nominee for president...WOW! On the other hand...I've personally been reminded that racism is still alive well.

Dating Dilemma?

I've mentioned before that I've been single for quite some time now. In the last few years, I've only been on a few dates. In fact, I can count on one hand how many. It's not that I don't get asked out. I do...alot! But 99% of the time I decline the offer. Only now have I really started to think about why I almost always say no to going on dates. I think I have some kind of dating phobia or something. Or maybe I'm just reluctant because I'm a single mother who may be overly cautious. Because of my children I have to raise my standards even higher, although some may do the opposite. I can't just bring any Tom, Dick, or Harry around my kids. I have a rule of not bringing any unrelated males around my children anyway, even if they're just my friends. Still, I don't want to even entertain the thought of going on a date with someone that doesn't meet my standards to begin with. Yes...they are high and I am picky. But it's a must! If I'm not immensely intrigued before the actual date, the date won't ever happen. I guess the bottom line is...I just haven't been much intrigued.

Letting It All Out

My summer has been great so far. I was expecting chaos throughout my summer months because I started a new job and massage school in April. I’m glad to say it has been just the opposite! Besides the occasional stress that comes from studying, my summer has been very relaxing and easy-going. I’m trying to soak up every minute because it won’t be long until the monotony of motherhood is back in effect. During the hectic routine of my kid’s school year, I forgot how peaceful and laidback my summer’s can be. This morning I was lying comfortably in my bed listening to nothing but silence while thinking, “How can a single mother of three have so much free time on her hands?” A dark cloud tried to come over me when I suddenly remembered the answer. I have three children who have different dads. I would be telling a lie if I said that fact didn’t bother me at all. It’s still a touchy subject for me and unless it’s going to help someone in a similar situation, I’m not usually eager to talk about it. The shame and guilt that I have over come is unbelievable and only someone in my shoes could understand. God has delivered me from most of that shame and guilt and allowed me to see how valuable I am despite my circumstances. Still, sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that this is my life. I can always stop that dark cloud from hovering over me by remembering that no one has judged me harsher than I’ve judged myself. There is nothing that no one can say about me or think about me that I haven’t already said or thought about me.

After I immediately stopped the dark cloud from taking over and ruining my day, I became very aware that through it all there is a silver lining. That being…I GET A BREAK! You better believe that mother’s do need a break, especially if you’re a single mother. But not every mother is fortunate enough to have time for herself every once in a while and certainly not as much time as I have. I have to admit that the school year is crazy at times and I could just pull me hair right out of my head. Not to mention exhausting. But if I just make it through that school year to the summer, I get an ample amount of time to recuperate. This summer Zailes is staying most nights with my grandmother or my dad (he has to take advantage now because he doesn’t get to stay much during the school year). Zarayah is with her dad for the entire summer and Caislyn stays 3 nights out of the week with her dad (if not more). I guess most mothers’ would be concerned and miss their children but I’m so past that stage. I know they’re well taken care of and they’re at an age that helps me not to worry. I do sometimes miss them but then I think…it’s only a matter of time; they’ll all be back. Although I haven’t been able to sleep in much (my body is incapable of that now) I am getting a lot of rest. I can keep my home very clean without having to clean every single day. I can even go a few days now without doing laundry…Wow! My situation is rather unique and doesn’t allow me to forget about God’s goodness. I know quite a few women who have to go through hell dealing with one dad. I deal with three and get along with them just fine. They all help me out a considerable amount financially and it wasn’t like pulling teeth to get them to do so. It’s actually pretty amazing. They all have areas to work on; as do I but all have the potential to be the best dad a child could ask for. Don't get me wrong, it’s not ALL peaches and cream. There are still times when I say, “This is why you wait.” I do have to give a shout out to my family because they have helped me out so much!

Writing this post is a final stage of my healing process. My vulnerability is out in the world for anyone to read. I would like to say that I’m cured and will never again be bothered by my situation. But I realize that if I completely forget the uncomfortable humiliation that I’ve gone through, I wouldn’t be so eager to help other females avoid some of the bad decisions that I have made in the past. Even if I marry the perfect man for me, who is willing to look beyond my circumstances, my past will always be up front and center. I have learned something through it all that will never be forgotten. God’s forgiveness will not keep me from suffering the consequences of poorly made decisions.

The Obama Effect

The Obama bug without a doubt has bitten me. I have to admit that Tuesday night was an unexpected emotional time for me. I never thought that I would see a black man get so close to becoming the president of the United States. It seems so unreal. There’s just something about Barack Obama…well, there’s a lot of something’s about him. I don’t think I have ever been so moved and captivated by a single man. I have asked myself if I would feel the same about him if he were not black. The answer is yes...at least I think I would feel the same. Although some assume that black people like him just because of his race, there’s more to him than that. He is highly intelligent and full of passion; I love his wittiness; He possesses charisma beyond belief; I always admire a man with ambition; His upbringing adds to his uniqueness; The love he has for his wife...ahhhh so refreshing; The fact that he’s black…well that’s just a cherry on top. I mean, he can't make a lame man walk or a blind man see but every time I hear him speak I’m like, “Wow, God broke the mold after he made him.” Though I hope that’s not true because our society could benefit greatly from more young men like Obama. I can remember how fascinated I was when I first seen him and his wife on Oprah a few years ago. I then got the impression that he may someday run for President and be a great candidate but I didn’t think that he would move so soon. My intentions are not to take anything away from other great African-American leaders in our past, but I am experiencing Obama first-hand so he touches me in a way that the others could not. I pray every day that God will protect him.

A State of Bereavement

I have yet to feel grief at it's maximum level. I lost my great grandfather when I was in elementary school but was too young to really grasp what was going on. Plus he was almost 105 years old when he died and I guess death is kind of expected at that age. One of my really good friends left this world almost nine years ago and I unfailingly think of him this time of year because of his birthday which is tomorrow. I was nine months pregnant when he died so I didn't attend his funeral. I believe my pregnancy and not attending the funeral kept me from feeling the full affects of his passing. I had Zailes the very next day after his burial and it wasn't until my son was about a week old, that I actually cried and felt sadness. Up until that point I felt like it was a dream...like he wasn't really gone. My mother's dad died last year but I wasn't that close to him. I did however feel grief to a certain extent. I have yet to go to a funeral because my grandfather just had a memorial service. I did attend and remember the somewhat foreign feelings of grief creeping up on me. My first thoughts were, how on Earth do people deal with this? The feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced even though the grief was just at a minimal level. I started to think of the people closest to me and how I would feel if they ever left me, or vice versa. I couldn't understand why God would let us feel such pain. I remember thinking, how can people actually believe there is no God? Just the fact that one day someone you love is here and the next day they're gone, is crazy to me! I'm not looking forward to facing the days when my closest loved ones will be gone and I'm trying not to take for granted their accessibility. But it gets hard sometimes because it's easy to forget in this world that none of us are promised tomorrow. I miss you friend! I think of you so much and all the memories that we shared. Like the time you wore my prom dress and your sneakers around school...I've never laughed so hard in my life trying to get you zipped up in that thing. I could go on, and on. I have a lifetime of memories to live with but I would much rather have you here. I would love to hear your contagious laugh at least one more time. If I could only touch you and see your smiling face...that would make my life. I wish I would've been there and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to pay tribute and say my last goodbyes. But I thank God for protecting me and my unborn child from such heartache. Every time you enter my dreams, I try my best to tell you about everything that has happened or everything that is going on but I just wish that you were here so that you could know for yourself. I love and miss you and I'm sure that many others would agree that you will never be forgotten! Rest In Peace...my friend Micheal G. Whittington

Is It My Fault?

Time and time again I have the disappointing feeling that none of the people closest to me, really know me. I have always been a rather private person. Now (because of this blog) I think some of my transparency is evident but I haven’t always been the one to share my thoughts, feelings, or opinions. In the past, I became accustom to the habit of keeping things to myself. However I did share everything with God and prayed on a regular basis. I know that He will never give me the wrong advice, which (sometimes) humans do. Although I found my method for coping with issues to be the best for me, it prevented the people I care about most from knowing whom I am deep down. Hopefully they can see a little more than what’s on the surface but I feel the best parts of me have gone unnoticed. So who’s to blame? I do have a tendency to shut people out of those "best parts" because I feel like, “They just won’t get it!” On the other hand, it seems to be a human instinct to focus on the negative aspect of people and make gossip the center of attention. I guess the truth is…no one will ever know us like God knows us! But I think we should make an attempt to really know the ones we love as much as we can. Some may call it being nosey; I call it being interested. Finding out what makes someone tick will cut out a lot of unnecessary dialogue and make it easier for us to relate. I hope someone gets what I’m trying to say!

To Be...or Not To Be?

I am currently single and have been for the last three years. After my last relationship ended, I promised myself that I wouldn’t get into another until I was COMPLETELY over it. Well…I have been completely, 100%, so very far over that “ship” for quite some time and it has sailed!!! So why am I still single? Because there was some other things that needed to take place too. The most important things being, I had to find me and then learn to love me. Now that I have found and love who I am, I find myself asking, “Do I really want to be in another relationship?” Do I really want to risk my drama and care free, non-stressful, though unromantic, single life, just to invest an abundant amount of energy and emotion into another being? Is there any guarantee that I will be as happy, or happier, than I am now and my heart will never be broken? Ok, there’s a good possibility (because of the person I’ve become) that my heart won’t be broken again (in terms of a relationship). BUT, I’m sure a “ship” will bring me some type of stress and disappointment because we’re only human. I have to say (for the most part) I do want to be in a relationship again someday, but why? Why would I even entertain the thought of taking a chance on someone else, considering my past relationships? Possibly, I believe that all those failed attempts at what I thought was love were preparing me for the future. And I guess I believe that maybe, just maybe, there is someone who was made especially for me. A MAN, who I will find to be worth all the risks and who will make all of my previous questions irrelevant. Until then...