So much for that idea!

It’s not funny…but it is! My poor, poor orchid…and to think that I was so nervous about killing this flower…now look at it! Are you laughing as much as I am? I have it sitting right next to my computer and every time I look at it, I laugh. A few weeks ago, I sat my plant out on the porch to get a little bit of sunlight. But I was so neglectful because I forgot to bring it back in. Why did it have to get so cold that night, of all nights? I discovered my orchid the next day when I was checking my mail. Just the bottom blossom was wilted so I thought that it would be okay…I was wrong! I’m sorry to say that it died a slow death too. I wish that I had taken a picture of it before it died because it really grew a lot. I was taking good care of my orchid until I left it out all night but everything sort of went downhill after that. Thanks to everyone that gave me encouragement but evidently I have a black thumb instead of a green one. I’m not going to try again right now but next time I will definitely be getting something easy! The crazy thing is…it makes me laugh so much that now I wouldn’t want the flower any other way!

New Experience

Last night I went to Stir Fry Cafe and ate sushi for the first time ever. I tried four different kinds and liked all but one. I didn't care too much for the Dragon Roll...maybe it was the water eel, I don't know. The others I tried were the Spider roll, Boston roll, and the Spicy Stir Fry roll which was the best of the four. I also learned to use chopsticks (it just didn't seem right to eat sushi without chopsticks). Although I surprisingly liked the sushi, it's not something that I'll eat on a regular basis. But for those who love sushi, the Stir Fry Cafe is a great place to go. Every Wednesday they have a select variety of their sushi for half price. And to add to that, I've heard from a few people that it's the best place in town for sushi...which they say is partly due to the unique atmosphere of the Stir Fry Cafe. I love to try new things and now (as Wendy so well put it) I can add eating sushi to my resume of life.

I Don't Do Pets!

I won’t mention any names but someone had the bright idea to give my kids two fish…a blue betta for Zailes, and a red one for the girls. We have had those fish for about two weeks and I already want to get rid of them! They’re both on my kitchen counter in their own little bowl and sometimes I forget to feed them. I swear (and I never swear) when I walk in the kitchen, they’re going all crazy and looking at me like, “B___h can we eat?” (Sigh) Animals are just not for me! Don’t get me wrong…I like them…I just don’t like to take care of them! Zailes is always asking for a dog, hamster, or something. I told him that maybe he can have a pet when he gets older. That probably won’t happen though because I’ll be the one stuck with the responsibility. A couple of years ago I let my brother get by with sending my kids four turtles from FL only because they stay at my mom’s. So, to my family members and anyone else who has the urge to buy a pet for Zailes, Zarayah, or Caislyn…remember the above title and please plan to keep it at your house!

Talk about spring cleaning...

Normally, I can’t rest peacefully in my home when it’s in disarray. When things are messy, I feel weighed down and will not be free from anxiety until everything is clean. BUT- the last few days I’ve been straight-up chillin in a home in total chaos. My mind has been in somewhat of a conflict! Part of it saying, “You know you need to get up and get this place together!” The other part saying, “I’m tired and I ain’t cleanin’ today!” The “I’m tired” part has been winning lately and today I found my apartment to be the messiest it’s been since I’ve lived here. To some people, it may not have been that bad but to me it was like, “aaagghhhhh!” I couldn’t take it anymore! So I’ve been cleaning like crazy since I got off of work this morning. I started with my bedroom, which was totally disorganized except for my closet and bed. I have this crazy compulsive thing about unmade beds and cannot stand to see one. I don’t care if my whole house is turned completely upside down; you better believe that the beds are made. My kids don’t do the best job at cleaning their rooms but they know how to make them beds! Anyway, I just finished cleaning and decided to take a little break before painting. I can’t take the walls anymore either! Thanks to Caislyn, there’s pen, marker, crayon, etc. on almost every wall. I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl; my other two never wrote on the walls, floors…EVERYTHING. Tonight, I will clean the carpet…can’t take that either! I’ve been resting pretty well, considering the disorder I’ve been living in…but I know that my sleep will be 10x better tonight!

With Flying Colors!

For the past several days, I have surprisingly found myself wanting a cigarette. What’s up with that?!? It has been two years and three months since I stopped smoking and it’s certainly not a habit that I will ever pick up again. The whole time that I smoked, I absolutely hated that I was a smoker. When I first wanted to quit, I tried everything! But my lack in will power made all of my attempts unsuccessful. I finally just had to pray. God eventually answered my prayer and gave me the strength to quit cold turkey. He didn’t take the cigarettes away from me; He took me away from the cigarettes! And He did it in such a way that made me never want to touch one again. I know for sure that I’m done! I love too much the fact that I have more energy, my hair, hands, and mouth don’t smell like an ashtray, and I’m ultimately healthier. I guess these past few days have been just a test because the more that I want a cigarette, the more I see people smoking. I’m so grateful that I was able to lose such a disgusting habit and I’m no longer controlled by a little stick of tobacco. Now that I’m done writing this…I believe I’ve passed the test!

Nostalgia

I often ride past my former high school, but this morning as I drove by I couldn’t help but feel a bit nostalgic. I didn’t care much for high school when I was younger but many times I heard grown folks say, “One day you’ll miss it!” Although they were right, at the time I couldn’t understand why they would say such a thing. I guess you just don’t know…until you know. I have a lot of great recollections from my high school years but I can only vaguely remember what it was like to be carefree (no kids, no bills, no qualms). Even though the wistful desire to go back in time clouded my mind this morning, I would only go back under one condition. Only If I can take with me all the knowledge and wisdom that I have at this moment, would I relive those days. Otherwise…I’d rather stay in the present, and be content with the vivid memories that I have of such a significant time.

So My Timing Was Off

In August 2006, I set 14 goals that I wanted to complete by August 2007. I gave myself only a year because I wanted to rush and accomplish all of my goals very quickly (patience has always been a weakness of mine BUT I've improved greatly). In retrospect, that time frame was truly unrealistic for all the things that I wanted to do. Now it's May 2008, almost two years since I sat down and wrote that list of goals. I decided to write them down because having them on paper somehow gave me the sense that I couldn't back out. And I made sure to put the list of goals in a place that would force me to look at them often. A bookmark in my bible...I thought that seemed fitting. I bet you're wondering if I reached them all. The answer is no...not yet! I have 4 more to complete and it's possible that every goal will be reached by August 2008. If not, I won't be worried about it. I crossed out the "to be completed by August 2007" part and replaced it with, "to be completed on God's timing." His timing is so much better than mine. Some of the goals were big and some were little. But nevertheless, I need God for the little goals just as much as I need Him for the big ones. It's only a short matter of time before every item on my goal list will be checked off and then it will be time to sit down and make a new one.

For Him

In spite of my circumstances, You have blessed me abundantly. Your grace, Your mercy...has rescued me from a life full of sorrow and pain, and provided me with a life full of joy and peace. I look at some and say, "That could've been me...That should've been me!" But instead, I have somehow found favor in Your eyes and I give You the glory. I am so not deserving! There is nothing that I can say...do...or even think about, which comes close to showing You the appreciation that You deserve. I will always cherish my desire to serve You!

"What was I about to do?"

I just finished my second week of school and I also took my first Anatomy and Physiology test today. I think I did pretty well but I won't know my score until Wednesday. Studying is something that is fairly new to me because I never had to in the past. I was always a great test-taker as long as I paid attention in class. I'm not bragging though because most things were forgotten soon after the test was over. A&P is not one of my strong subjects, to say the least. So I have to cling to every word being taught AND spend a considerable amount of time studying. The fact that the massage program is super accelerated doesn't help because everything is just being crammed into my head. Consequently, I find myself doing things like...getting ready to take a shower and then forgetting about the shower before I make it to the bathroom. (I remember after a few minutes so don't think I'm walking around smelly...maybe in a couple months :-)) You should see me when I'm cleaning the house! I have to pause in between tasks so that I can remember what I was doing. My brain is too busy trying to remember things like...the lateral pterygoid muscle inserts into the mandible and the temporomandibular joint capsule. I'm certainly out of my element for the time being. Hopefully my brain can adjust and retain information (new and old) a little more efficiently. I'm sure it will get more difficult in the days to come so please keep me in your prayers. The massage part...lovin it! I'm learning so much and that class is so much easier. So in spite of the complex A&P class, I believe I'm well on my way!

The Truth Is...

Not much (if anything) in this world is worth the negative energy brought on by stress. That being said...let us pick and choose our battles wisely. Why waste time fighting needless battles, when we may have other battles that require all of our energy and attention?

Is It My Fault?

Time and time again I have the disappointing feeling that none of the people closest to me, really know me. I have always been a rather private person. Now (because of this blog) I think some of my transparency is evident but I haven’t always been the one to share my thoughts, feelings, or opinions. In the past, I became accustom to the habit of keeping things to myself. However I did share everything with God and prayed on a regular basis. I know that He will never give me the wrong advice, which (sometimes) humans do. Although I found my method for coping with issues to be the best for me, it prevented the people I care about most from knowing whom I am deep down. Hopefully they can see a little more than what’s on the surface but I feel the best parts of me have gone unnoticed. So who’s to blame? I do have a tendency to shut people out of those "best parts" because I feel like, “They just won’t get it!” On the other hand, it seems to be a human instinct to focus on the negative aspect of people and make gossip the center of attention. I guess the truth is…no one will ever know us like God knows us! But I think we should make an attempt to really know the ones we love as much as we can. Some may call it being nosey; I call it being interested. Finding out what makes someone tick will cut out a lot of unnecessary dialogue and make it easier for us to relate. I hope someone gets what I’m trying to say!

Trying to Adjust

I’m one of those people who thrive on routine. Maybe it’s because I’m a mother, but my life seems to run much smoother when things are in order and I’m on schedule. You may catch me being spontaneous every once in a while but not very often. I like to plan! Consequently, change overwhelms me to the fullest. No matter if the change is good or bad, necessary or unnecessary, expected or unexpected, just the fact that I have to adapt makes me uneasy. I am finally starting massage school next Wednesday and it’s something that I’ve anticipated for far too long. I had to leave a job that I happened to love because my school schedule wouldn’t allow me to work there any longer. So, a few days ago I started a new job that I think I will like when I become more familiar with it. As a result, my schedule has been altered drastically. I’ve spent the last few days reminding myself that I can adapt pretty quickly and then things won’t be so crazy. Actually, things will probably stay crazy for a few months but as long as I can get into the routine of crazy, I’ll be fine! I’m extremely grateful that God never changes because that would be way too much for me to handle!

For Him

So many chances to get it right-

I didn't listen to Your Word.

Now a single mother of three-

asking for strength to carry on.

All of them have different dads-

just the thought brought so much shame.

Didn't think this could ever be my life-

why did it take so much pain?

To realize just who you are-

and that Your Word should never be ignored.

It's the key to everything in life-

Your Word I now love and adore.

Finally see the precious light-

there is reason for your instruction.

You want the best life for me here on Earth-

Your Word will keep me from destruction.

Now I strive to live the right way-

in spite of all my previous errors.

I'm choosing to follow Your Word-

for Your Word will last forever!

To Be...or Not To Be?

I am currently single and have been for the last three years. After my last relationship ended, I promised myself that I wouldn’t get into another until I was COMPLETELY over it. Well…I have been completely, 100%, so very far over that “ship” for quite some time and it has sailed!!! So why am I still single? Because there was some other things that needed to take place too. The most important things being, I had to find me and then learn to love me. Now that I have found and love who I am, I find myself asking, “Do I really want to be in another relationship?” Do I really want to risk my drama and care free, non-stressful, though unromantic, single life, just to invest an abundant amount of energy and emotion into another being? Is there any guarantee that I will be as happy, or happier, than I am now and my heart will never be broken? Ok, there’s a good possibility (because of the person I’ve become) that my heart won’t be broken again (in terms of a relationship). BUT, I’m sure a “ship” will bring me some type of stress and disappointment because we’re only human. I have to say (for the most part) I do want to be in a relationship again someday, but why? Why would I even entertain the thought of taking a chance on someone else, considering my past relationships? Possibly, I believe that all those failed attempts at what I thought was love were preparing me for the future. And I guess I believe that maybe, just maybe, there is someone who was made especially for me. A MAN, who I will find to be worth all the risks and who will make all of my previous questions irrelevant. Until then...

I Think I Can!

I currently own a few plants and a couple of trees that are placed strategically throughout my apartment. It is my assumption that having plants in my home makes it feel more alive. There’s only one problem…none of them are actually living…they’re all FAKE. I have never once had a plant that was truly ALIVE. Until now! I went to Home Depot and decided to buy something out of the nursery that was living and breathing. You know…a plant that requires me to take care of it and not just dust it off every once in a while. As soon as I laid eyes on the assortment of Cane Orchids, I had to have one. I think they are so beautiful!!! I mean really, the picture just doesn't do it justice. So, I have a project to keep this magnificent flower alive and well. Part of me is so nervous because I don’t want to kill such an exquisite creation! The other part of me is pretty excited. I’m a very nurturing person and hopefully that will help my orchid to flourish. If I happen to mess up and not do as well as I anticipate, I have a year warranty! I can replace the flower in the event that it kills over and try again. I don’t like failing at anything and I certainly don’t want to fail at this. Maybe I should’ve started out with something a little easier. Pray for me! Hahaha

Silly, Silly Me

What do I think?...I think that laughter is the key to my heart! If someone can make me laugh, I can't help but to like that person. Perhaps, even love. I believe without a doubt that laughter is the best medicine. It can cure a bad mood better than anything that I know. I love watching things that make me laugh, hearing things that bring on laughter, and I especially love being around funny people. Seeing someone fall down or in an embarrassing situation is not particularly funny to me. I prefer to be humored in a way that requires some kind of creativity. I have a great deal of funny people in my family and I also like to think that I'm (for the most part) humorous. I tell everyone that my mom is a big cornball but I have to admit that she is pretty funny. We always have each other rolling. -Does that mean that I'm a cornball too?!?!? Oh well! I once read something that said to fake laugh whenever you feel sad, mad, angry, etc.. And just the act of doing so, will make you really laugh and lighten your mood. But seriously...who can remember to do that during those times? Not me! But I tried fake laughing just now and it did work. I'm not in a bad mood though so maybe thats why. Regardless, I think we should laugh as much as we can. So watch, listen, and surround yourself with funny!

When All Else Fails...

Psalms 37:4 "Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." KJV

Have you ever wanted something so bad, you could taste it? I know I have! In fact...I do at this very moment. I have prayed about it countless times, and truly believe that God has showed me in countless ways that I will receive the desires of my heart (when I'm ready for them of course). Still, I have those days when doubt seems to creep up on me out of nowhere. Those dreadful days, when everything I see and hear contradicts God's promises to me. BUT!!! I've learned to have faith in God and just ignore what the world is telling and showing me. Maybe it's just me...but I find it empowering to believe that something will happen. Especially when the odds seem to be against me. Knowing that nothing is impossible with God allows me to do this. My hope is built and my faith is strengthened. So, if God has given you a desire and the odds seem to be against you...have faith! When all else fails...just have faith! It will come to pass.

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." KJV

Get Your Shine On

They say that diamonds are a girl's best friend. But I'm here to tell you that WE ARE the diamonds! Well...perhaps some of us are diamonds in the rough. But STILL diamonds! Diamonds can only be formed in high-pressure and of course it takes time. But once we reach our luxurious state, all the time and pressure was well worth it. Diamonds are the hardest known natural material and therefore can only be scratched by another diamond. So in other words, they are very durable and maintain their polish extremely well. I guess that's why they're preferred over any other gemstone. So ladies, be the diamonds that you are and continue to shine. And if you haven't reached diamond status yet, don't give in to the pressure. You'll make it! If it so happens that you haven't yet realized you ARE a diamond, BE CAREFUL!!! If you don't know your worth, how can you know when you've lost it?

Water

There is no doubt that water is essential for the survival of every thing that has life. I think of all the tears that I have cried throughout my life thus far. I've probably cried more than most. Being a single mother of three is not easy and the fact that I'm extra-sensitive doesn't help. My grandmother told me that when I was a little girl, if anyone even looked at me the wrong way, I would burst into tears. I believe crying is what I use most to express how I feel, whether I'm expressing happiness OR sadness. What can I say? I'm just a big crybaby! The point is...all those tears were necessary for my mental and spiritual growth. Okay, maybe not all of them were necessary but they provided growth nonetheless. And I HAVE grown soooo much. I actually like the person that I've become. I couldn't say that a few years ago. I thank God that most of my tears these days are brought on by sheer happiness and joy instead of sadness. I'm blessed! You may not always know what to say, what actions to take, or what thoughts you should have. But if tears are falling down your face, rest assure and know growth is taking place. Too much of anything is bad for you so be careful not to over-water. Even so, there's nothing like a good cry!