~Be Kind

I once had the best compliment in my life...at the exact moment that I needed to hear it. It was at a time when I was suffering mentally and spiritually. I was carrying so much shame and guilt and I was uncertain about myself and where I was headed. I was in my early twenties and really unsure about my future. One day when I was feeling really down, my old Sunday school teacher came into the place where I worked with his co-worker for lunch. He said hello to me and then said to his co-worker (I will never forget the words), "This right here is a good woman!" Although I knew this man most of my life, I had never actually had a real conversation with him. But he was someone I looked up to and I knew without a doubt that he was a man of God. I don't think it was so much what he said but just that I could actually tell when he said it, he believed it. Even though I didn't feel like I was a good woman at the time, the fact that he believed it made me believe it. That compliment changed me completely and gave me so much self worth.

It's difficult to understand what others are going through or dealing with just by looking from the outside. I'm sure there are those who wear a smile even when they feel like they're dying inside, as I did for many years. And then there are those who display that they're dealing with terrible things. There are so many hardships in this life and no one is exempt from turmoil. Yes we have different struggles but everyone goes through a struggle with something. We come into contact with so many people on a daily basis and many we will never see again. But that doesn't mean that our encounters are unimportant. We should be using each opportunity to make a difference in some one's life because it doesn't take much to do so. Just giving a smile, compliment, or kind word can extraordinarily lift some one's spirit or pick them up when they're feeling beat down. Until we get into the practice of considering feelings of so called strangers, it doesn't feel natural to go out of our way to brighten some one's day. When I go into a place of business and I'm encountered with someone who is rude or impolite, I treat them how I want them to act...not how they're acting. I wasn't always able to respond the correct way and it was hard at first to put other peoples feelings before my own. It's something I have to work on everyday. But how you respond to people makes a world of difference in how they will treat you in return.

It's Me

Just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself, I learn much more. The past couple of months have been eye opening for me. I'm becoming aware of my personality and why I think the way I think. I spent about 4 years really focusing on me and taking the time to get to know who I am and what I want in life. I learned a lot during that time and my self-esteem, confidence, and self worth were built up enormously. But the things I'm discovering about me now are not necessarily good...but it's me. The most apparent thing I've discovered about myself is how superficial I am. I'm so much more superficial than I originally thought and I'm not proud of it. I guess it's something I've always kinda been aware of but didn't pay much attention to. When it comes to outside appearances or things just on the surface, I am SUPER particular. I've always been a perfectionist and really into how I present myself. If I dress up then everything has to be perfect! If I dress like a bum then I must look like a perfect bum. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want to look like depending on the look I'm going for. I think this superficiality is harmless when it's only concerning me. But the problem is I'm letting it affect potential relationships. I will pick a man apart and the smallest thing will bother me to the point where I just can't let it go. I'm very particular about how I want a man to carry himself...the way he talks, walks, and dresses is important to me. Maybe too important! Never do I want to change a person although sometimes I would like to. So I must be with someone just as particular as me or learn to let some things go. Otherwise I'll be 70 yrs old and still not married. I think God made this month "let's show Ebony how picky she is" month. I'm seeing all of my quirks and hang-ups and it's been humbling to say the least. But it seems it's necessary to know even the "not so good" about myself.

Type...I Shall!

I can't believe I'm going on my 3rd year of having this blog...AND I'M STILL WRITING!! I've written about so much and when I find the time I will go back and read through it all. There have been times when I've felt like deleting the whole thing but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I want it to last forever even if I do eventually stop writing. It will defeat the whole purpose of why I started it if I just erase everything. Who knows...5 years from now someone may come across it at a time when they really need to read something that I've wrote. I've read a couple of the old ones and it's interesting to see how I've developed over the years. This blog is sort of like my own personal timeline and I look forward to looking back and reading all my posts when I'm old and gray...AND sharing them with my children!

Patience...

You have not because you ask not! If you ask and still don't receive...you're asking amiss! Or maybe you just need to wait!

~A Woman With A Plan

Once my wheels start turning, you better move out the way or join me for the ride. I have new plans and goals for the next couple of years and I WILL see them come to pass (God willing). I've never been much of a self motivator but once God puts something on my heart or gives me a desire, I'll make it happen (with His help of course)! I'm so excited for the new journey I am beginning!! Don't worry...I'll share details in due time. I'm just gonna take it one day at a time and remember...When God starts a work, He finishes!

Hmmmm...

What good is all the knowledge in the world, if you don't have the wisdom to go with it? Sometimes intelligent people do very stupid things...Lord please make me wiser!

Can you see me now?...Good!

Christmas was great and New Year's was fine...in 2010, it's my time to shine! Hehe...sorry for being such a cliche but I really do plan to shine this year. Of course the way I want to shine is probably not the way most people mean that they're gonna shine. I want my light to come from within. I'm continuously asking God to help me improve my inner beauty because that's what He sees, which means that's the most important. Although I'm working on my internal self, my light should be seen everywhere I go...it should shine through...especially in the midst of darkness. Darkness can never be the conqueror of light. If light is shining...someone is going to see it. Therefore, I'm going to continue to shine and make my light brighter and brighter. And it's all for God's glory!

FEAR

I can think of alot of things that I don't ever want to happen but none of them cause me to feel real fear. I used to have stupid fears (like spiders) when I was younger and and didn't know any better. But now there's only one true fear that I have and that would be God. It's not a terrifying or agonizing fear but it's a fear that certainly puts me in check. There are times when that fear comes over me and I can't help but recognize God's power. Only He can kill the body AND the spirit. Just the thought of what He could do to me and the thought of being away from His love causes me to feel fear to the max. It makes me wonder why can't everybody just have that same fear of God. People would not do some of the horrible things in which they do if they feared the Lord. I never want to experience being separated from God's love...especially for eternity! That's what you call hell. And those who are left behind after the rapture will experience hell on Earth because the Comforter (which is the Holy Spirit) will be gone too! It's sad that some people won't realize how REAL God is until it's too late. But one thing is sure...whether you believe in Him or you don't, He will get His glory! Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess. Although my life is not the worst and probably better than most people's...I look forward to that day! Every time I hear someone speaking against God or I witness evil taking place, it just heightens my anticipation for His return. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus is preparing a place and then He's coming back. Will you be ready?! If you're not sure then just pray this simple prayer..."God please let me be accountable worthy to stand before Jesus and escape the things which shall come to pass here on Earth." If you pray that prayer, trust me, God will get you ready.

Doting...

I'm not really the type of parent who dotes about her children. I may share funny stories about the things they do or don't do but I get annoyed by parents who dote about every little thing their child does. I think its safe to say that MOST parents think their children are the smartest, the brightest, and the cutest, so I believe it to be a waste of breath to try to convince someone else of how right they are. The truth is...most kids are bright and smart! Children are born knowing nothing so unless they were born with some type of disability or ailment, they're gonna be just as bright and smart as the next kid. Maybe in a different way...but bright and smart nonetheless. And most kids are cute...some cuter than others (teehe) but they are all a gift. So though you won't catch me doting on any ordinary day, there are times when I'll brag a lil about how great my kids are. And right now is one of those times. All my children are all special, funny, and unique in their on way. Zailes can learn school work at lightning speed with little or no effort. But if I try to show the boy how to clean up something, it's like I'm teaching rocket science. Or maybe he's so clever that it's ALL pretense to get out of cleaning...who knows?!? He will become more and more handsome as he ages and he will have the right swag to go with his good looks. He's going to be a great catch...I'm making sure of it (trust me). Zarayah is just smart all the way around...a nerd if you will. Her imagination is just off the charts and amazes me daily. She's very passionate about becoming a teacher and I don't think she will deviate from that when she gets older. That is unless, she becomes America's Next Top Model, which could very well happen since she is so pretty and photogenic. The girl never takes a bad picture...even when she's trying to. And my little ol' KK...God love her! She's just too smart for her own good. She definitely will be the most street smart of the three. She's got me constantly praying that her intelligence will be used for good and not evil cause really it could go either way with her. I do believe she is gifted in many ways I just have to get her doing something she's passionate about and there will be no stopping her. And I have to mention she is the cutest most cuddly thing ever! By far my most affectionate child. Zailes is the protector/caretaker...Zarayah is the most thoughtful and considerate...and Caislyn is the most lovable! OK there...I'm finished with my seldomly done doting. I'll save the majority of my bragging until they become grown successful human beings...that's when I can REALLY dote and it's what really counts anyway!

It's Been Too Long...

Where do I begin?!? There's been so much going on in my life that I hate I haven't had time to blog about it. There's no way that I can give a complete recap of the past few weeks without forgetting some things because I just don't have the time right now. But it felt necessary to write something since it's been so long. I do have a few things which have been consistent in my life so I'll take the time to mention them. Of course God is at the top of the list...He's still blessing me beyond belief! I'm not worthy of His favor but there's no way I can deny that I have it. God's favor follows me everywhere I go. I've found a church that I like but I'm not ready to commit. As soon as God lets me know it's the one then it'll be the one. My kids continue to mature and amaze me on the regular. I'm thanking God now for the successful future each one of them will have. I still love FL! There are times when I feel like I've been here my whole life. Not as homesick as I thought I would be. In fact, there's only been quick flashes of nostalgia so I guess it's kinda like "outta sight, outta mind!" I am amazed when I look at my past, overwhelmed with love and joy when I look at my present, and beyond ecstatic when I think of what my future holds!

Full Blown

Today is the first day that I've experienced TOTAL homesickness. I knew it would eventually rear it's ugly head but I didn't think it would come so suddenly. Nostalgia just popped up on me out of the blue. I woke up feeling tired so maybe the exhaustion played a role. I don't know exactly what triggered me being homesick but everytime I do something it seems to get worse. I combed the girls hair this morning and it made me miss TT (the lady who braided their hair every week). I washed the dishes and I missed so badly my old kitchen (I loved that kitchen!) I looked out the window and I missed the leaves changing colors and the cool air of autumn. The kids were bickering all morning which made me miss my family and getting a break whenever I needed it. Getting ready for church made me miss my church family. I got a phone call from the most amazing person who has great qualities and is close to perfect but my heart still remains with my first and only true love. And as I write this blog I can imagine myself sitting at my desk in my old apartment when I first started it. Ahhh the memories...the familiarity. I've been trying to remember all morning exactly why I moved here. I don't doubt that it was meant for me to move but I was truly happy in JC. Did I want more in life? Yes! Was it monotanous? Yes! But I was happy. I think no matter where I live and how happy I am, I'm bound to get a little stir crazy every once and a while and desire a change. Although I can't see myself living away from Johnson City forever, it was important for me to move away and experience life somewhere else. So here I am...still truly happy but yearning for the things of the past.

For Him

There are no words to describe the joy, peace, and happiness I have at this very moment. You have followed through on your promise to me and even though I knew You would, I'm still left speechless! I mean, I will attempt to express everything that I feel but I know there are no words which are suitable to describe your goodness. Thank you just isn't enough so I will spend my life trying to express my gratitude. I dedicate my life to serving You! Some may think I'm crazy but I know what You have done for me and there is nothing or no one that can shake my faith. I'll willingly risk being called crazy for You Lord...it's the least that I can do! The amazing thing is...You are far from finished working on me and so many great and wonderful things are in my future. Thank you for supplying my needs...thank you for making me virtuous...thank for making strength and honor my clothing. These things are all works in progress but still I thank you now because I know You always finish what You start! I love You with my heart, soul, and mind...more than ANYTHING!!

My Girls...

I'll say it once and I'll say it a million times...I love that I'm raising sisters. They are sooooo fascinating to me! My girls make me laugh so much and I could watch them interact for hours...as long as they're not bickering. Sometimes it's like they have one mind and I often think they should've been twins. The other morning (no kidding) I watched them wake up out of their sleep at the same time, walk over to each other, shake hands, and say, "nice to meet you." The whole time I'm standing there like...did I miss something?!? They always seem to be on the same wave length. Which is why when KK's doctor evaluated her (while she was still 3) and came to the results that her mind was on the level of a 7-year-old, I wasn't surprised. I think she's right where Zarayah is mentally (although Zarayah's only 6). Without a doubt I have my work cut out for me with these two which is why I'm so glad that Zailes is such a great big brother. I'm doing my best to plant their roots exactly where they should be. KK has been forming and saying her own prayers since before she turned two, and Zarayah is constantly mindful of the Ten Commandments so I believe they're headed in the right direction. Nevertheless, these girls will drive me to my knees more times than I'll be able to count. Actually, they already do! I'm not trying to wait until they're older and in trouble to start praying for them. I'm praying now that God will deliver them from the evils that Satan has setup for their future. I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if I had grown up with a sister and I'd like to think it would've been exactly the same relationship that my two girls have.

In My Opinion...

I don't consider myself to be a very bold person. Maybe I am on this blog...and maybe when I'm defending my beliefs I can come across as bold. However, I believe myself to be more of a "doer" than a "sayer". Actions definitely speak louder than words in my book and I'm all about watching what people do instead of listening to what comes out of their mouths. Really, that's the only way to tell the true character of a person! I'll be the first to admit that I truly admire and appreciate someone who is bold in Christ. BUT, not when the boldness overshadows the humility! When someone is constantly being bold but rarely displays times of being humble, it makes me feel a little uneasy. None of us christians should ever get to a point where we feel like we have "arrived". We came from NOTHING and we are NOTHING without God.

Beach Day w/ The Girls

~Back Into the Swing of Things

FINALLY...things are settling down and getting back to normal. I'm just starting to bounce back from the exhaustion I've had for the last couple of weeks. There's not enough hours in the day when you're a single mother of three. I know I was born to be a mother (so I assume that means I was born to be a wife as well but the jury is still out on that one) and I should be given a crown for being the queen of multi-tasking. It really does come naturally and I rarely even have to think about what I'm doing. That does not mean my job of motherhood is easy...its tough work! But I love doing it and I do exceptionally well (if I do say so myself). Of course, I'm never satisfied and always feeling like there's room for improvement but given my circumstances...well? I'm grateful that everything is working out better than I anticipated and I continuously pray for strength to do all that I do.

I sometimes wonder...is anybody listening?!? I write these blogs for two reasons. 1. Maybe I've experienced something that someone else is feeling or dealing with, and my perspective could possibly give some insight. 2. Writing is my therapy and I feel much better once I just let it out. I do give God a lot of praise because He is the reason for everything. I'm nothing without Him so its impossible to share my life without giving credit where credit is due. It's very important that I do NOT take credit for anything good that I write! I've received many compliments and kind remarks about my blogs but my little old brain cannot even fathom some of the things that it comes up with on it's own. So if there's anything that I have said that is even remotely intelligent, I give all glory the God! I hope there's something which I've written that has helped somebody, somewhere but it's not imperative that I know for sure (that's the reason I took the place to leave comments off of here). I'm gonna continue doin what I do regardless! But since I truly believe a lot of what I write is inspired by God, I hope at least one person has on the thinking cap.

My 1st Visit Home...

I have two days left until I'm headed back to FL. This first visit home has went pretty well and I've had a relaxing time. It's been good to just kick back since all I've done for the last few weeks is work, eat, and sleep. It felt really weird being here at first but now I feel at home. Everyone has been complaining about the heat but it feels great to me...guess I'm use to the FL weather. I feel burdened that I won't get to see everyone who I would like to see this visit but due to the Umoja Festival, I've been able to see more people than I would have otherwise. The mosquitoes are horrific...my legs and feet are covered! I'm just realizing that I haven't been bitten all summer until now. I think I would rather deal with the sand fleas because these bites are so aggravating. All that's left to do is pack up the moving truck and say my goodbyes for a while. As of now, I plan to visit home only in the summer but we shall see if my mind changes. I seriously doubt I will be making that 10 hour drive with three kids unless it's necessary. Wow! This is crazy...but I love it!! Visiting Johnson City is definitely way better than living in Johnson City!

What's the Cure?

Surprisingly, the homesickness I have felt has been minimal. I haven't missed JC at all...just my loved ones. But I've been too busy with work and getting things in order to even miss them much. I did have a day when the homesickness hit me like a brick. The day I registered my kids at their new school was very melancholy. I really missed being at home where it's familiar and I missed having my kids attend a school where everyone knows them. The uneasiness I felt at the thought of my children being in a strange place lingered the whole day, though moving back to TN never crossed my mind. They are super excited, of course, and have no nervousness about being in new surroundings. I know that they'll be just fine, but like I've said many times...change overwhelms me. I'm, for the most part, over it now but there's only one other thing that I'm dreading...the winter! Anybody who knows me, knows I LOVE the snow. Thinking of the winter season (which will be here before I know it) really depresses me. It's not like we got a great deal of snow in Johnson City, but knowing that the possibility of snow at my new residence is slim to none really makes me sad. It makes me think...'why on earth did I move so far south?!?' I guess I'll have to suffer through the snow less winters but homesickness come winter is pretty much guaranteed...Thank God for football!

A Tough Pill to Swallow...

There's a female who I considered to be one of my best friend's in high school and a little beyond. I thought about her all the time when we lost touch and hoped that I would reconnect with her someday. When that finally happened, I was surprised at the awkwardness which took place. It was like we had never met. I'm still not exactly sure what was the problem. Maybe after she heard about my circumstances, she was judgmental of the person I had become (who knows). She was still the sweet and kind person I remembered her to be but instead of acting like long lost friends, we behaved as if we were strangers. It was extremely sad for me! She was suppose to be the Godmother of my first born...She always came to visit me when she was in town...I knew without a doubt she would someday be my bridesmaid and vice verse...I thought about her often when we lost contact and I was so happy when we found each other again. Yet, I don't know what happened...It's possible that nothing happened! I've finally faced the harsh realization that some people grow apart for no obvious reason. And very few people who leave your life will ever return. There are a couple of people that I was extremely close to back in the day but now it's like I never knew them. It has been very difficult for me to accept that the one's I loved the most at one point, will never be close to me again. It sucks, but it's life! Things change, people change, and sometimes they go their separate ways. That doesn't mean the time they spent playing a role in my life means any less, just that their time with me is up I guess. There are not many who I consider to be my real friend. True friends are hard to come by so I'll try my best to hang on to the few that I have. For the people who have willingly walked out of my life...I must let them go (if they can walk away, it's best they go)! For those who went unwillingly...some things just MUST be done! And for those who are still apart of my life...I love you and thank you!!