That's All Folks!

Ok so it’s not really “all” but those are the words that come to mind as I write my last post of the month and prepare to visit the Emerald Coast. The year has just about reached its halfway mark and I’m gratefully going on a vacation that couldn’t be at a better time. There's nothing like fireworks on the beach! I believe the 4th of July is my favorite day of the year and just the thought of that day brings to mind my best memories. I suspect that this year will be just as memorable as the years before. Perhaps I should use the word “best” instead of “favorite”. The 4th of July is my best day of the year. With that being said, I hope to have some interesting things to blog about when I return. At the very least, I hope to have some photos of my getaway to share with everyone…so stay tuned! I wish everyone the best day on the 4th and remember to be safe!

Letting It All Out

My summer has been great so far. I was expecting chaos throughout my summer months because I started a new job and massage school in April. I’m glad to say it has been just the opposite! Besides the occasional stress that comes from studying, my summer has been very relaxing and easy-going. I’m trying to soak up every minute because it won’t be long until the monotony of motherhood is back in effect. During the hectic routine of my kid’s school year, I forgot how peaceful and laidback my summer’s can be. This morning I was lying comfortably in my bed listening to nothing but silence while thinking, “How can a single mother of three have so much free time on her hands?” A dark cloud tried to come over me when I suddenly remembered the answer. I have three children who have different dads. I would be telling a lie if I said that fact didn’t bother me at all. It’s still a touchy subject for me and unless it’s going to help someone in a similar situation, I’m not usually eager to talk about it. The shame and guilt that I have over come is unbelievable and only someone in my shoes could understand. God has delivered me from most of that shame and guilt and allowed me to see how valuable I am despite my circumstances. Still, sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that this is my life. I can always stop that dark cloud from hovering over me by remembering that no one has judged me harsher than I’ve judged myself. There is nothing that no one can say about me or think about me that I haven’t already said or thought about me.

After I immediately stopped the dark cloud from taking over and ruining my day, I became very aware that through it all there is a silver lining. That being…I GET A BREAK! You better believe that mother’s do need a break, especially if you’re a single mother. But not every mother is fortunate enough to have time for herself every once in a while and certainly not as much time as I have. I have to admit that the school year is crazy at times and I could just pull me hair right out of my head. Not to mention exhausting. But if I just make it through that school year to the summer, I get an ample amount of time to recuperate. This summer Zailes is staying most nights with my grandmother or my dad (he has to take advantage now because he doesn’t get to stay much during the school year). Zarayah is with her dad for the entire summer and Caislyn stays 3 nights out of the week with her dad (if not more). I guess most mothers’ would be concerned and miss their children but I’m so past that stage. I know they’re well taken care of and they’re at an age that helps me not to worry. I do sometimes miss them but then I think…it’s only a matter of time; they’ll all be back. Although I haven’t been able to sleep in much (my body is incapable of that now) I am getting a lot of rest. I can keep my home very clean without having to clean every single day. I can even go a few days now without doing laundry…Wow! My situation is rather unique and doesn’t allow me to forget about God’s goodness. I know quite a few women who have to go through hell dealing with one dad. I deal with three and get along with them just fine. They all help me out a considerable amount financially and it wasn’t like pulling teeth to get them to do so. It’s actually pretty amazing. They all have areas to work on; as do I but all have the potential to be the best dad a child could ask for. Don't get me wrong, it’s not ALL peaches and cream. There are still times when I say, “This is why you wait.” I do have to give a shout out to my family because they have helped me out so much!

Writing this post is a final stage of my healing process. My vulnerability is out in the world for anyone to read. I would like to say that I’m cured and will never again be bothered by my situation. But I realize that if I completely forget the uncomfortable humiliation that I’ve gone through, I wouldn’t be so eager to help other females avoid some of the bad decisions that I have made in the past. Even if I marry the perfect man for me, who is willing to look beyond my circumstances, my past will always be up front and center. I have learned something through it all that will never be forgotten. God’s forgiveness will not keep me from suffering the consequences of poorly made decisions.

For Him

You’ve never let go of my hand…although many times I let go of Yours. You’re always right there guiding me…even when my attention may be somewhere else. When I fall or when I stumble, You put me right back on my feet while dusting me off...never letting go. When I’m mentally and spiritually drained and feel I just can’t go on, You pick me up and carry me for a while…so that I can get the rest that I need. I’m safe and I’m secure when my hand is in Yours…knowing that You will always be my protector. Though I can never say thank you enough, I want to Thank You…for never letting go.

Echo De Menos A Mi Sobrino

No habla Espanol...but I learned that "mi sobrino" means "my nephew". I am finally an aunt and I miss my nephew Antonio, who is half Puerto Rican (hence the Spanish), like crazy!!! I haven't seen him since February of this year but it seems like so much longer. He turned one in May and he's walking now. I can't wait until I get my hands on him in a couple of weeks when I visit! Antonio is like the softest, squishiest (not to mention the cutest) baby ever!!!! I just love to squeeze and kiss on him, even though he gets mad and squeals like a pig. He is quite a handful (or two) but I don't mind. I will spoil him to death and then hand him back over to his mom and dad (that's the beauty of being an aunt!) So look out my little taquito; Aqui Vengo

Counting the Days!

I will be starting my massage clinical hours in just a short while and the closer I get, the more excited I become. My nervousness is enormously overshadowed by my anxiousness. I cannot wait! In addition to the 60 clinical hours, I must also complete 30 hours of practice outside of school (I already have "guinea pigs" lining up). If you've had a professional massage before, you already know how wonderful it can be. Those who have not yet had the privilege may be a little skeptical. Let me tell ya...it's a fabulous thing! Not only does massage therapy feel great (ahhhhh), but the physical Benefits of Massage are extensive as well. Just click on the link and see for yourself! If anyone is interested in receiving one of my free "practice" massages, please contact me and let me know (ebalex29@hotmail.com). Also, anyone can come to the school and get a clinical massage but it will not be free (though inexpensive) and there is no guarantee that I will be your therapist. I will post more details about the clinical and practice massages when I start in about three weeks, if not sooner.

The Obama Effect

The Obama bug without a doubt has bitten me. I have to admit that Tuesday night was an unexpected emotional time for me. I never thought that I would see a black man get so close to becoming the president of the United States. It seems so unreal. There’s just something about Barack Obama…well, there’s a lot of something’s about him. I don’t think I have ever been so moved and captivated by a single man. I have asked myself if I would feel the same about him if he were not black. The answer is yes...at least I think I would feel the same. Although some assume that black people like him just because of his race, there’s more to him than that. He is highly intelligent and full of passion; I love his wittiness; He possesses charisma beyond belief; I always admire a man with ambition; His upbringing adds to his uniqueness; The love he has for his wife...ahhhh so refreshing; The fact that he’s black…well that’s just a cherry on top. I mean, he can't make a lame man walk or a blind man see but every time I hear him speak I’m like, “Wow, God broke the mold after he made him.” Though I hope that’s not true because our society could benefit greatly from more young men like Obama. I can remember how fascinated I was when I first seen him and his wife on Oprah a few years ago. I then got the impression that he may someday run for President and be a great candidate but I didn’t think that he would move so soon. My intentions are not to take anything away from other great African-American leaders in our past, but I am experiencing Obama first-hand so he touches me in a way that the others could not. I pray every day that God will protect him.

A State of Bereavement

I have yet to feel grief at it's maximum level. I lost my great grandfather when I was in elementary school but was too young to really grasp what was going on. Plus he was almost 105 years old when he died and I guess death is kind of expected at that age. One of my really good friends left this world almost nine years ago and I unfailingly think of him this time of year because of his birthday which is tomorrow. I was nine months pregnant when he died so I didn't attend his funeral. I believe my pregnancy and not attending the funeral kept me from feeling the full affects of his passing. I had Zailes the very next day after his burial and it wasn't until my son was about a week old, that I actually cried and felt sadness. Up until that point I felt like it was a dream...like he wasn't really gone. My mother's dad died last year but I wasn't that close to him. I did however feel grief to a certain extent. I have yet to go to a funeral because my grandfather just had a memorial service. I did attend and remember the somewhat foreign feelings of grief creeping up on me. My first thoughts were, how on Earth do people deal with this? The feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced even though the grief was just at a minimal level. I started to think of the people closest to me and how I would feel if they ever left me, or vice versa. I couldn't understand why God would let us feel such pain. I remember thinking, how can people actually believe there is no God? Just the fact that one day someone you love is here and the next day they're gone, is crazy to me! I'm not looking forward to facing the days when my closest loved ones will be gone and I'm trying not to take for granted their accessibility. But it gets hard sometimes because it's easy to forget in this world that none of us are promised tomorrow. I miss you friend! I think of you so much and all the memories that we shared. Like the time you wore my prom dress and your sneakers around school...I've never laughed so hard in my life trying to get you zipped up in that thing. I could go on, and on. I have a lifetime of memories to live with but I would much rather have you here. I would love to hear your contagious laugh at least one more time. If I could only touch you and see your smiling face...that would make my life. I wish I would've been there and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to pay tribute and say my last goodbyes. But I thank God for protecting me and my unborn child from such heartache. Every time you enter my dreams, I try my best to tell you about everything that has happened or everything that is going on but I just wish that you were here so that you could know for yourself. I love and miss you and I'm sure that many others would agree that you will never be forgotten! Rest In Peace...my friend Micheal G. Whittington