FEAR

I can think of alot of things that I don't ever want to happen but none of them cause me to feel real fear. I used to have stupid fears (like spiders) when I was younger and and didn't know any better. But now there's only one true fear that I have and that would be God. It's not a terrifying or agonizing fear but it's a fear that certainly puts me in check. There are times when that fear comes over me and I can't help but recognize God's power. Only He can kill the body AND the spirit. Just the thought of what He could do to me and the thought of being away from His love causes me to feel fear to the max. It makes me wonder why can't everybody just have that same fear of God. People would not do some of the horrible things in which they do if they feared the Lord. I never want to experience being separated from God's love...especially for eternity! That's what you call hell. And those who are left behind after the rapture will experience hell on Earth because the Comforter (which is the Holy Spirit) will be gone too! It's sad that some people won't realize how REAL God is until it's too late. But one thing is sure...whether you believe in Him or you don't, He will get His glory! Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess. Although my life is not the worst and probably better than most people's...I look forward to that day! Every time I hear someone speaking against God or I witness evil taking place, it just heightens my anticipation for His return. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus is preparing a place and then He's coming back. Will you be ready?! If you're not sure then just pray this simple prayer..."God please let me be accountable worthy to stand before Jesus and escape the things which shall come to pass here on Earth." If you pray that prayer, trust me, God will get you ready.

Doting...

I'm not really the type of parent who dotes about her children. I may share funny stories about the things they do or don't do but I get annoyed by parents who dote about every little thing their child does. I think its safe to say that MOST parents think their children are the smartest, the brightest, and the cutest, so I believe it to be a waste of breath to try to convince someone else of how right they are. The truth is...most kids are bright and smart! Children are born knowing nothing so unless they were born with some type of disability or ailment, they're gonna be just as bright and smart as the next kid. Maybe in a different way...but bright and smart nonetheless. And most kids are cute...some cuter than others (teehe) but they are all a gift. So though you won't catch me doting on any ordinary day, there are times when I'll brag a lil about how great my kids are. And right now is one of those times. All my children are all special, funny, and unique in their on way. Zailes can learn school work at lightning speed with little or no effort. But if I try to show the boy how to clean up something, it's like I'm teaching rocket science. Or maybe he's so clever that it's ALL pretense to get out of cleaning...who knows?!? He will become more and more handsome as he ages and he will have the right swag to go with his good looks. He's going to be a great catch...I'm making sure of it (trust me). Zarayah is just smart all the way around...a nerd if you will. Her imagination is just off the charts and amazes me daily. She's very passionate about becoming a teacher and I don't think she will deviate from that when she gets older. That is unless, she becomes America's Next Top Model, which could very well happen since she is so pretty and photogenic. The girl never takes a bad picture...even when she's trying to. And my little ol' KK...God love her! She's just too smart for her own good. She definitely will be the most street smart of the three. She's got me constantly praying that her intelligence will be used for good and not evil cause really it could go either way with her. I do believe she is gifted in many ways I just have to get her doing something she's passionate about and there will be no stopping her. And I have to mention she is the cutest most cuddly thing ever! By far my most affectionate child. Zailes is the protector/caretaker...Zarayah is the most thoughtful and considerate...and Caislyn is the most lovable! OK there...I'm finished with my seldomly done doting. I'll save the majority of my bragging until they become grown successful human beings...that's when I can REALLY dote and it's what really counts anyway!

It's Been Too Long...

Where do I begin?!? There's been so much going on in my life that I hate I haven't had time to blog about it. There's no way that I can give a complete recap of the past few weeks without forgetting some things because I just don't have the time right now. But it felt necessary to write something since it's been so long. I do have a few things which have been consistent in my life so I'll take the time to mention them. Of course God is at the top of the list...He's still blessing me beyond belief! I'm not worthy of His favor but there's no way I can deny that I have it. God's favor follows me everywhere I go. I've found a church that I like but I'm not ready to commit. As soon as God lets me know it's the one then it'll be the one. My kids continue to mature and amaze me on the regular. I'm thanking God now for the successful future each one of them will have. I still love FL! There are times when I feel like I've been here my whole life. Not as homesick as I thought I would be. In fact, there's only been quick flashes of nostalgia so I guess it's kinda like "outta sight, outta mind!" I am amazed when I look at my past, overwhelmed with love and joy when I look at my present, and beyond ecstatic when I think of what my future holds!

Full Blown

Today is the first day that I've experienced TOTAL homesickness. I knew it would eventually rear it's ugly head but I didn't think it would come so suddenly. Nostalgia just popped up on me out of the blue. I woke up feeling tired so maybe the exhaustion played a role. I don't know exactly what triggered me being homesick but everytime I do something it seems to get worse. I combed the girls hair this morning and it made me miss TT (the lady who braided their hair every week). I washed the dishes and I missed so badly my old kitchen (I loved that kitchen!) I looked out the window and I missed the leaves changing colors and the cool air of autumn. The kids were bickering all morning which made me miss my family and getting a break whenever I needed it. Getting ready for church made me miss my church family. I got a phone call from the most amazing person who has great qualities and is close to perfect but my heart still remains with my first and only true love. And as I write this blog I can imagine myself sitting at my desk in my old apartment when I first started it. Ahhh the memories...the familiarity. I've been trying to remember all morning exactly why I moved here. I don't doubt that it was meant for me to move but I was truly happy in JC. Did I want more in life? Yes! Was it monotanous? Yes! But I was happy. I think no matter where I live and how happy I am, I'm bound to get a little stir crazy every once and a while and desire a change. Although I can't see myself living away from Johnson City forever, it was important for me to move away and experience life somewhere else. So here I am...still truly happy but yearning for the things of the past.

For Him

There are no words to describe the joy, peace, and happiness I have at this very moment. You have followed through on your promise to me and even though I knew You would, I'm still left speechless! I mean, I will attempt to express everything that I feel but I know there are no words which are suitable to describe your goodness. Thank you just isn't enough so I will spend my life trying to express my gratitude. I dedicate my life to serving You! Some may think I'm crazy but I know what You have done for me and there is nothing or no one that can shake my faith. I'll willingly risk being called crazy for You Lord...it's the least that I can do! The amazing thing is...You are far from finished working on me and so many great and wonderful things are in my future. Thank you for supplying my needs...thank you for making me virtuous...thank for making strength and honor my clothing. These things are all works in progress but still I thank you now because I know You always finish what You start! I love You with my heart, soul, and mind...more than ANYTHING!!

My Girls...

I'll say it once and I'll say it a million times...I love that I'm raising sisters. They are sooooo fascinating to me! My girls make me laugh so much and I could watch them interact for hours...as long as they're not bickering. Sometimes it's like they have one mind and I often think they should've been twins. The other morning (no kidding) I watched them wake up out of their sleep at the same time, walk over to each other, shake hands, and say, "nice to meet you." The whole time I'm standing there like...did I miss something?!? They always seem to be on the same wave length. Which is why when KK's doctor evaluated her (while she was still 3) and came to the results that her mind was on the level of a 7-year-old, I wasn't surprised. I think she's right where Zarayah is mentally (although Zarayah's only 6). Without a doubt I have my work cut out for me with these two which is why I'm so glad that Zailes is such a great big brother. I'm doing my best to plant their roots exactly where they should be. KK has been forming and saying her own prayers since before she turned two, and Zarayah is constantly mindful of the Ten Commandments so I believe they're headed in the right direction. Nevertheless, these girls will drive me to my knees more times than I'll be able to count. Actually, they already do! I'm not trying to wait until they're older and in trouble to start praying for them. I'm praying now that God will deliver them from the evils that Satan has setup for their future. I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if I had grown up with a sister and I'd like to think it would've been exactly the same relationship that my two girls have.

In My Opinion...

I don't consider myself to be a very bold person. Maybe I am on this blog...and maybe when I'm defending my beliefs I can come across as bold. However, I believe myself to be more of a "doer" than a "sayer". Actions definitely speak louder than words in my book and I'm all about watching what people do instead of listening to what comes out of their mouths. Really, that's the only way to tell the true character of a person! I'll be the first to admit that I truly admire and appreciate someone who is bold in Christ. BUT, not when the boldness overshadows the humility! When someone is constantly being bold but rarely displays times of being humble, it makes me feel a little uneasy. None of us christians should ever get to a point where we feel like we have "arrived". We came from NOTHING and we are NOTHING without God.

Beach Day w/ The Girls

~Back Into the Swing of Things

FINALLY...things are settling down and getting back to normal. I'm just starting to bounce back from the exhaustion I've had for the last couple of weeks. There's not enough hours in the day when you're a single mother of three. I know I was born to be a mother (so I assume that means I was born to be a wife as well but the jury is still out on that one) and I should be given a crown for being the queen of multi-tasking. It really does come naturally and I rarely even have to think about what I'm doing. That does not mean my job of motherhood is easy...its tough work! But I love doing it and I do exceptionally well (if I do say so myself). Of course, I'm never satisfied and always feeling like there's room for improvement but given my circumstances...well? I'm grateful that everything is working out better than I anticipated and I continuously pray for strength to do all that I do.

I sometimes wonder...is anybody listening?!? I write these blogs for two reasons. 1. Maybe I've experienced something that someone else is feeling or dealing with, and my perspective could possibly give some insight. 2. Writing is my therapy and I feel much better once I just let it out. I do give God a lot of praise because He is the reason for everything. I'm nothing without Him so its impossible to share my life without giving credit where credit is due. It's very important that I do NOT take credit for anything good that I write! I've received many compliments and kind remarks about my blogs but my little old brain cannot even fathom some of the things that it comes up with on it's own. So if there's anything that I have said that is even remotely intelligent, I give all glory the God! I hope there's something which I've written that has helped somebody, somewhere but it's not imperative that I know for sure (that's the reason I took the place to leave comments off of here). I'm gonna continue doin what I do regardless! But since I truly believe a lot of what I write is inspired by God, I hope at least one person has on the thinking cap.

My 1st Visit Home...

I have two days left until I'm headed back to FL. This first visit home has went pretty well and I've had a relaxing time. It's been good to just kick back since all I've done for the last few weeks is work, eat, and sleep. It felt really weird being here at first but now I feel at home. Everyone has been complaining about the heat but it feels great to me...guess I'm use to the FL weather. I feel burdened that I won't get to see everyone who I would like to see this visit but due to the Umoja Festival, I've been able to see more people than I would have otherwise. The mosquitoes are horrific...my legs and feet are covered! I'm just realizing that I haven't been bitten all summer until now. I think I would rather deal with the sand fleas because these bites are so aggravating. All that's left to do is pack up the moving truck and say my goodbyes for a while. As of now, I plan to visit home only in the summer but we shall see if my mind changes. I seriously doubt I will be making that 10 hour drive with three kids unless it's necessary. Wow! This is crazy...but I love it!! Visiting Johnson City is definitely way better than living in Johnson City!

What's the Cure?

Surprisingly, the homesickness I have felt has been minimal. I haven't missed JC at all...just my loved ones. But I've been too busy with work and getting things in order to even miss them much. I did have a day when the homesickness hit me like a brick. The day I registered my kids at their new school was very melancholy. I really missed being at home where it's familiar and I missed having my kids attend a school where everyone knows them. The uneasiness I felt at the thought of my children being in a strange place lingered the whole day, though moving back to TN never crossed my mind. They are super excited, of course, and have no nervousness about being in new surroundings. I know that they'll be just fine, but like I've said many times...change overwhelms me. I'm, for the most part, over it now but there's only one other thing that I'm dreading...the winter! Anybody who knows me, knows I LOVE the snow. Thinking of the winter season (which will be here before I know it) really depresses me. It's not like we got a great deal of snow in Johnson City, but knowing that the possibility of snow at my new residence is slim to none really makes me sad. It makes me think...'why on earth did I move so far south?!?' I guess I'll have to suffer through the snow less winters but homesickness come winter is pretty much guaranteed...Thank God for football!

A Tough Pill to Swallow...

There's a female who I considered to be one of my best friend's in high school and a little beyond. I thought about her all the time when we lost touch and hoped that I would reconnect with her someday. When that finally happened, I was surprised at the awkwardness which took place. It was like we had never met. I'm still not exactly sure what was the problem. Maybe after she heard about my circumstances, she was judgmental of the person I had become (who knows). She was still the sweet and kind person I remembered her to be but instead of acting like long lost friends, we behaved as if we were strangers. It was extremely sad for me! She was suppose to be the Godmother of my first born...She always came to visit me when she was in town...I knew without a doubt she would someday be my bridesmaid and vice verse...I thought about her often when we lost contact and I was so happy when we found each other again. Yet, I don't know what happened...It's possible that nothing happened! I've finally faced the harsh realization that some people grow apart for no obvious reason. And very few people who leave your life will ever return. There are a couple of people that I was extremely close to back in the day but now it's like I never knew them. It has been very difficult for me to accept that the one's I loved the most at one point, will never be close to me again. It sucks, but it's life! Things change, people change, and sometimes they go their separate ways. That doesn't mean the time they spent playing a role in my life means any less, just that their time with me is up I guess. There are not many who I consider to be my real friend. True friends are hard to come by so I'll try my best to hang on to the few that I have. For the people who have willingly walked out of my life...I must let them go (if they can walk away, it's best they go)! For those who went unwillingly...some things just MUST be done! And for those who are still apart of my life...I love you and thank you!!

If God is for you....

Whether you believe it or not, everyone has at least one hater! Do I even have to mention the name?!? The enemy will constantly use people, things, and situations to keep us from receiving the blessings that God has for us. But the good news is...only we can get in the way of our blessings. AND the enemy can only do what God allows him to do. There are many ways in which the enemy will try to kill, steal, and destroy. Fortunately, what he uses for our destruction, God will use to build us up. I have learned that not everyone who smiles in my face is my friend. There are some who will dislike me simply because they can. Some will dislike me because of my love for God. There are people who will hate me and want me to fail for no apparent reason at all. Although I may never realize who those people are, or be aware of the mental and emotional harm they mean to cause me, they are still out there. Which is why I'm so glad that 1 John 4:4 says..."greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." God can see what I cannot see and that fact gives me great comfort! If God is for me, anyone who chooses to be against me will NOT prevail.

In short...make sure you're playing for the right team because one side is guaranteed victory, and the other side will be defeated!

Just Have To...

Okay...Let me first start by saying I have never been in any way, shape, or form a fan of ANYTHING vampire. It's just not me! Or rather, it just wasn't me. But whenever there's a so-called phenomenon, my interest is usually peaked and I (being the nosey person that I am) just have to see what all the fuss is about. This Twilight Saga left me pretty much speechless and (like everyone else who has read) wanting more. Because of the author, Stephanie Meyer, I've found myself wanting to do nothing else but read. Oh, I finished the four big hefty books in like a week, but now I'm just wanting something, ANYTHING good to read. However, since I have finished the Twilight Saga nothing else I pick up seems to capture my attention and suck me in quite the same way. Still, I'm determined to find some great reads! Now that I live at the beach, I'm pretty sure that a good book (beach side) will be my favorite pastime. I also want to point out that the Twilight movie doesn't come close to doing the book justice. So I think it's safe to assume (although the movie trailer for New Moon, in theaters 11-20-09, looks very enticing)that none of the movies will measure up. If you're a true reader this will not surprise you because 99 percent of the time, the books are better than the movies. I'm so glad I fell victim to these books...they're the best fiction books I have ever read. So of course I strongly recommend them to everyone (although they are geared to a younger audience). I have yet to meet someone who has read the books and didn't like them. Now the only thing left for me to do is wait in full anticipation for the movies to come out...AND I also need to say...My name is Ebony Alexander and I am a Twilight addict! *smile*

Church Hoppin...

I know God didn't bring me this far to leave me, so I'm hopeful that I will eventually find a new church home. It doesn't seem possible for me to find a church that is just as good as Friendship Baptist Church in Johnson City, TN but I know all things are possible with God. I will remain faithful that I soon will find a church that suits me and my family perfectly. I must say that it has been very interesting to visits different churches to see how they operate. And my discernment tells me that not every church that I have visited was being led by God. Nevertheless, I have been to a couple of good ones that I liked. Yet still, I will continue to search and church hop until God leads me to where I'm suppose to be.

~Crazy Summer Fun~

I have had one heck of a summer so far!! It's been very eventful, to say the least. I've went to the beach and had a blast on numerous occasions, I've went bowling, me and my fam set off enough fireworks to get us put under the jail, and my latest adventure was deep sea fishing, which I absolutely loved!! It was scary, dangerous, exciting and fun all balled up into one. Oh, let me not forget exhausting! Reeling those humongous fish in was difficult for a physically weak gal like me. I'm proud to say that I caught the biggest fish of the day...a 14lb king mackerel. I wasn't strong enough to reel him all the way in and needed a little help from the deck man, but I caught him on my first try of putting the line in (the hook never even reach the bottom). In total I caught 49lbs of fish and the rest of my group caught 48lbs which gave us 87lbs in total. Do I need to tell you that we're having a fish fry?!? I thank God for the Dramamine that saved me from sea sickness. Our boat went 15 miles off the coast of Pensacola, FL, which took 2 hours on a charter boat. We spent 4 hours fishing and close to 4 just riding. The successful fishing definitely made up for the draining and time-consuming ride out. It was an experience I will remember forever! Deep sea fishing is a VERY nice thing to add to my resume of life and I hope to go again real soon.

The Coast Is Clear!

Well, I've finally moved to the place that I absolutely love....the Emerald Coast! I felt just a little homesick my first night here and it only lasted about a hour (if that). It felt so surreal when I first arrived. A completely different feeling than the feeling of being here on vacation. For a brief moment I was in a state of disbelief. I couldn't believe I had actually...moved (though I never doubted). Everything had went so smoothly, just as I had planned. So smooth, in fact, that I didn't spend much time thinking about the feat ahead of me. And when I actually did take a step back and dissect the task at hand, it was done...I was here! A flood of emotions came over me and I laughed hysterically on the phone with my friend Lottie. We both repeated..."Oh my gosh, I can't believe you/I moved to Florida!" Our conversation was quite funny and just what I needed when reality tapped me on the shoulder. I thank God that I already feel at home and I can definitely feel the prayers from my loved ones. I can see myself being here forever but I have learned not to put anything in stone. I don't know everything that God has in store for me because He's always working behind the scenes. However, I DO know that I will always follow the path that God wants me to follow...Only He can lead me to my destiny.

For Him

Just when I think I can't get any happier, You show me otherwise. It's nothing material really or anything that people can see on the outside that's making me want to jump for joy. It's the change that has taken place within me that has me overwhelmed with love and happiness. Well, I guess it shines through for people to see to an extent (hopefully it does), but I feel no one can truly understand how far You have brought me. Just a short few years ago, I was absolutely drowning in doubt, shame, and self-pity but You have completely turned me around. Even though I believe from the depths of my soul that all things are possible with You, I'm still in amazement at how You have blessed me. There's nothing anyone can say or do to make me doubt Your existence because You have revealed Yourself to me in ways that my little ole' mind couldn't even fathom.

Way Outta The Box

I will be moving to Florida really soon and this seems to take some people by surprise. Not many seem to believe it's really going to happen, which I find very hard to understand. I guess I just expect people to know that once I've made up my mind about something, it's a done deal. But I now realize that for most people, seeing is believing. Trust me...I was the last person to believe that I would ever move away from Johnson City and I never even had the desire to do so in the past. So I know that this is a desire that God has placed within me. It would be so much easier to stay in my familiar territory but I know that my personal growth is coming close to a halt. I need to be challenged in order to continue growing and I honestly believe that I have grown as much as I possibly can in Johnson City, TN. Although I pray for my transition to go smoothly, I am on guard for a bumpy road. It's not easy to relocate to another state (especially with children) but I'm embracing it wholeheartedly. I know I'm relying on nothing but my faith in God and I'll definitely be strengthened in the process. I'm mostly excited to see what's in store but the difficulty of the situation sometimes makes me nervous. I'll NEVER stop needing prayers so please remember me in yours!

We All Need It!

It's hard to forgive and maybe even impossible to forget...but it must be done. In order for us to receive mercy, we must be merciful. And while we're at it, we might as well be gracious too because none of us are worthy enough for grace.

Grace gives to us the things which we DO NOT deserve...Mercy keeps us from what we actually DO deserve.

Yes...It's True

I have found myself once again single but never have I been this happy after a break-up. I guess that's what happens when you're truly happy before starting the relationship. What can I say...it just wasn't meant to be. There are a number of valid reasons why I ended the relationship but it all comes down to one thing...I felt like I was settling. My heart was not content. I often ask myself, "Am I expecting too much...perfection maybe?" But I don't think so. I just know what I want and I won't settle for less! To do so would put limitations on God. I need someone who challenges me to be my absolute best, and I definitely do NOT want to lead a man (I have enough children). He should be leading me...AND in the right direction. The guy I was dating was not a terrible guy...just not for me. And there are no bad feelings between us.

I will admit that my standards are a little high for a single mother of three, but hey...I now know my value. There's something to be learned from everyone that God allows to come into your life. So I will take what I have learned and use it to make improvements on myself.

~Nothing Like a Broken Heart~

Have you heard the saying, "Never waste a good crisis?" I think the same should be said of a broken heart. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, betrayal from a significant other, the end of a friendship, grief is the worst and the best thing that could happen to us. The pain is like no other and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But the pain will bring us to our knees and sometimes that's exactly where we need to be. God can do so much work on us if we go to Him when we're brokenhearted and I firmly believe that sorrow makes the heart good. I pray that everyone experiencing a broken heart right now will not become overcome with grief...but will overcome the grief!

All of God's children gotta crown...

Aren't you glad that once God gives us a crown, NOBODY can take it away?!? Over the years, I've seen a few women in these pageants either lose their crown, or have it almost taken away (which is happening to Miss CA now). She got her crown...some unpleasant things surfaced from her past...her crown is now in jeopardy. I'm so glad I serve a forgiving God who washes my sins away. Once I'm forgiven, I don't have to worry about anything in my past coming to the surface. Gods know me inside and out! We've all done things in our past that we're not proud of and may even be shameful about. And you better believe that the enemy will use those things to bring us down and make us feel like we're unforgivable. But the enemy is a lie!!! Though he may try, he can't take away the crown that God has given us. You can give it to him if you want to, but he can't take it. Jesus died for ours sins! We can't let that sacrifice be in vain by believing we're beyond forgiveness. We must confess, repent, and turn away from the things that are holding us back from God. The Lord will then see right past our faults and provide every one of our needs. So I don't know about you, but I'm gonna rock my crown...and with confidence!!! Knowing that in spite of all my shortcomings and indiscretions, no one can take away what God has given me!

He's NEVER running late!

I don't think anyone would disagree that life is difficult sometimes. If you're doing wrong...it's hard! If you're doing right...it's even harder because the enemy is always trying to bring you down. Life is a constant struggle which must be fought until our last breath is taken. Some battles we will win and some battles will be lost. Some battles aren't ours to be fought but we cause ourselves unnecessary pain by fighting them anyway. And hopefully we can find the courage and strength to fight the battles that are inevitable. Regardless of the number of battles we encounter or how many wounds we may accrue, I find peace in the fact that the war has already been won! So really the only thing we must do is persevere. Just keep fighting! To give up is an automatic loss and who wants to lose by default?! I know I don't, so I pray frequently for the motivation to keep going. God will never put more on us than we can bear, but honestly, I think He cuts it pretty close sometimes. I have no problem whatsoever with giving my burdens to the Lord! I have a problem with leaving them there and letting go. At times I will try to take my burdens back and handle them myself until I remember...I can't handle ANYTHING without God. He knows what I need and exactly when I need it! And what's even better than that is...He's always on time! Thank You Jesus!

It NEVER ends!

I try my best not to get sucked into the vicious cycle of technology because I know once you've upgraded, it's very difficult to go back down. I also find it overwhelming (not to mention expensive) to keep up with what's new. As soon as you get the hot new item, a newer and hotter item hits the market. It's crazy! No, ridiculous really! I have a HDTV and I wonder how I ever watched the old glaring glass sets. I also have a Blackberry and I don't think I could function properly with just a regular cell phone anymore. Can you believe that we used to exist without cell phones period?!? I think the navigation system is one of the best inventions and when traveling out of town, I find it necessary to use a GPS. I'm really amazed that we ever got along without them anyway. Who has time to read a map, right? Although there has been some pretty amazing creations over the decades, the fax machine is the only one that really astounds me personally. Don't ask me why I find it more incredible than the rest! I've used Joseph's Ipod a few times but have yet to get one of my own. I know I'm on the late show but I'm trying to hold out as long as I can. After experiencing the convenience of an Ipod, I know that it's only a matter of time before the CD will become as extinct as the 8 track.

We humans are so impatient and it seems that we think "the faster, the better." We shouldn't be surprised that the years just fly by and lives seem to be shorter and shorter. I try my best to appreciate technology and all the advantages it brings to us. But I believe it brings to us a lot of pressure as well. You either have to keep up, or you get left behind. No one wants to be left behind but not everyone is in a position to keep up. And now that we are in a recession there are retired people who are finding it necessary to go back to work. The ones who did not keep up with technology are the ones having a difficult time finding good employment. It doesn't seem fair but that's just how it is. So although I'm reluctant and I hold out as long as I can on acquiring what's new, I realize how important it is to stay with the current. God has given us some brilliant minds but my hope is that our hearts are even more brilliant. The truth is, there should not be one starving child in this country. In my opinion, any country that can figure out how to put a man on the moon can surely figure out a way to make sure every mouth is fed.

Precious Life...

I know a few women who are expecting soon or who have recently had a baby. I remember how much fun it was to have a little one around. I absolutely love babies!!! And I somewhat miss my kids being small. The first year seems to be gone in a blink of an eye and then your baby is no longer a baby anymore. I'm mostly glad that my kids are older now. No late night feedings...no diapers to buy or change...no lugging all the baby necessities around...it's great! But there's nothing like the first year of a child's life. I can remember having postpartum depression after all three of my pregnancies but nothing severe. I think I mostly felt sad because my life was not going as I expected. I didn't know I had it made with one, until I had two. I didn't know I had it made with two, until I had three. Don't get me wrong...I love being a mother! And I would have another child if I didn't have to go through the nine months of pregnancy. Motherhood is just as rewarding as it is challenging. But when you're a single parent, raising a child is so much more difficult. It's not a job meant for one person, but it can be done...and done well! I believe I'm doing just fine. I can't help but think...'what in the world is Octo-mom gonna do?!?' Lord help her!

Live and Let Go!

Jealousy is something that I cannot and will not tolerate! It's like a rottenness in the bones that will quickly destroy a person's character. Jealousy can make a person do and say things he or she would not ordinarily do and it can take control of the mind, body, and spirit. I've been blessed in that, when my last relationship ended, I realized early on what jealousy was capable of doing to me. I gave it up to God right then and fervently prayed that I would never have a jealous bone in my body ever again. There is no one on this Earth that has a valid reason to be jealous of another person. But many people will never realize this truth because they're too busy seeking after what someone else has instead of seeking after what God has for them. God specially created every person with a purpose and He wants us to experience the absolute best life here on Earth. The good thing is, God never changes His mind about anything! So that means that what He has for you is ONLY for you. Only you can get in the way of your blessings. No one can steal what God has for you or make Him change His mind about giving it to you. If God created a man or woman just for you...then there's nothing anybody can do or say to take that person away from you. If someone gets the job that you so desperately wanted, then guess what...that job was not meant for you.

I truly believe that jealousy is the root of all hatred. So if there's anyone that you feel like you just hate, then you should sit down and think about exactly what you are jealous of. Hatred hardens the heart and makes it impossible for love to come in. So if love is not able to come into your heart, it's not able to come out either. Forgiveness is the most liberating act one will ever experience. And remember...when you forgive, you're doing it for yourself NOT for the other person.

I'm Dreading It!!!

Let me start by saying that I don't believe in diets! Of course, I believe we should eat food in moderation (too much of anything is bad for you). But I refuse to deny myself any food simply because of weight. Therefore, it's time I get up off my butt and start working out, or something. I've gained almost 30 pounds in the last 2 years and boy am I feeling it. Not only do my clothes not fit anymore but I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable in my body. But only because I can tell how unhealthy I am. Some people have told me, "Oh you're are not big at all!" On the other hand, most of the people closest to me, who know what size I used to be, have mentioned my weight gain. I've heard many "you're gettin big" comments. It's something I already know but the comments are becoming more and more frequent. So I'm determined to start exercising at the gym and, at the very least, tone my body. I really love to eat so I'm not sure if I'll drop too many pounds but certainly I'll be in better shape. Hopefully I can soon get back into some of my favorite clothes. I have a jean fetish and have a ton of jeans but nowadays when I put them on, I cant seem to get that Chingy song outta my head.

Act Like A Lady...

I must admit that I didn't think this book would be a good read but I was pleasantly surprised at Steve Harvey's honesty and bluntness. Most of the topics in the book I have already learned...the hard way (I wish I could've read this book about 10 years ago). But there was one particular chapter about introducing your children to potential mates that I found very informative and beneficial. The book is filled with a lot of other great info to be learned as well. No matter the situation, I think all women should read this book (especially young females). Of course, the book is all Steve Harvey's opinion and he's no dating expert or anything. Still, I have a sneaking suspicion that he has exposed some truth about men. I'm sure there will be some that will wish this book was never written.

For Him

Why have I been given this peace? I'm remembering the last few years and I'm reminded of the storm. Such a terrible storm...there were times when I truly believed that I wouldn't make it through. The days were so cloudy. The sky was so grey. The nights were so dark. I didn't think the sun would ever rise again. My heart was so heavy. All I could give You were my tears. It took everything in me to wear a smile on my face. A smile...even though it felt like I was dying inside. I can't even count the times that I said, "How long will this last?" and "Please let my tears be enough!" The whole time I knew that You were making me stronger. Still, I just wanted to be delivered. When I complained of my anguish, You reminded me of the troubles of Job. And when my heart grew impatient, You reminded me that it took Moses 40 years to make it to the promised land. You did give me rest in the eye of the storm when I needed it the most. But You also let me know that it wasn't over yet. The storm lasted so long that I became accustomed to the conditions. I thought it would always be my life. I thought surely You had left me. But then the sun started to shine...the winds gently blew...the clouds disappeared. And I was like...where's the trouble? Where's the pain? But I didn't really want to know...My prayers had been answered.

Help me to just enjoy this calm. Please let me not focus on when the next storm will come. Thank you for my trouble! And thank you for my tears! Now I know...they were enough.

I'm Ready!

It's become sort of a tradition for me to visit my brother on the 4th of July and spend about a week in Florida. In my opinion, there's nothing like fireworks on the beach. This year I wanted to take advantage of the timeshare that my grandmother owns but now I realize that I waited too long to make the reservations. There is nothing available anywhere in the area until late August. So I guess we will once again be staying at my brother's place, which is plenty big enough for us all. But I just love the condos that my grandmother's timeshare offers...they're so nice (to say the least). It seems I've become a bit of a traveler but it's only because of the timeshare (I couldn't really afford it at this time otherwise). I don't know the full details of the timeshare as far as the cost, but I think it's the best investment my grandmother has ever made. There are places all over the country and nearby islands that are available to her as long as she makes the reservations in advance. Which means they're available to her family members and close friends as well. I've been on quite a few great vacations thanks to Jeraldine! I look forward to taking three this year alone (if everything goes as planned). I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to visit different places and lay eyes on God's masterpiece. An elderly woman once said to me, "Whenever you have a chance to travel...take it!" Every since then, I've been taking her advice.

We Live and We Learn

When I foolishly decided that I was going to get married, God stepped in and said...NOT! Now, I know that I would be divorced already, but back then I thought marriage was what I wanted and needed. Since going to marriage counseling made the marriage license cheaper, that is what we decided to do. It was apparent that it was not meant to be from day one of the counseling. I don’t remember much from those sessions but I remember one thing very distinctly. There was a moment when my pastor and I were alone. He looked straight into my eyes and said, “Do you really want to live the rest of your life on a roller coaster ride?” It was as if my pastor had witnessed every minute of my relationship with his very own eyes. That question lingered in my mind for the next 24 hours. I started out thinking, ‘I like roller coasters! They’re so fun and exciting.’ As my thought continued, I remembered that there are certain roller coasters that make me sick and give me excruciating headaches. As my thought got even deeper, I realized that roller coasters are very short-lived. They usually last only a couple of minutes for a reason. Any longer and they become uncomfortable and detrimental. I ultimately decided that a lifetime on a roller coaster ride was not for me. The next day the marriage was postponed indefinitely but it took some time for me to completely get out of a relationship that I so needed to get out of. I can’t help but thank the Lord for not giving me everything I think I want. It’s now obvious to me that (most of the time) I don’t even know what I need. I changed my prayer from, “God please make this relationship work” to, “God please place me in a relationship that does work.” I’m forever grateful that God always knows my needs! And when my prayers are said and done…that’s all that matters.

The Awakening

I currently have a severe case of spring fever. I'm so anxious for the seasons to change particularly because I just love the spring! In the spring it seems that everything is new...like a rebirth. It's definitely a time when I'm most grateful for my sense of sight and hearing. I love to see the vibrant colors of everything that's blossoming and also to hear all the birds chirping once again. I love opening every window in my home and letting the fresh air blow through. It's not too hot, not too cold. I love being able to break free from the layering of long sleeve shirts, sweaters, coats, socks, and feel the sun on my skin. I even love all the rain! How else would everything grow?!? There are things that I enjoy and like about every season but the spring has won me over the most. I can't seem to get rid of this urge to do some spring-cleaning but I guess I can hold off for a few more weeks.

But God...

I've always been a complainer and I don't admit that proudly. Although I believe I've improved in the last couple of years, it's something that I constantly have to work on and be aware of. I know in my mind that I have no right to complain about anything, but since I'm human it's hard not to let the negative outshine the positive at times. I try to let God hear "thank-you" from me way more than He hears gripes and complaints. But when I'm whining, He still always manages to remind me that things could be worse. Even when I'm sick and in pain my complaining holds no weight. For every 1 complaint that I have, there's 100 blessings. I may be tired and feel like not doing a thing...but God gives me the strength to get out of bed every morning. My kids may be driving me up the walll...but God has given me three children who are healthy and beautiful. I'm not exactly where I want to be in my life...but God has blessed me with the desire and ambition to succeed. I have suffered a great deal of unnecessary heartache over the years...but God has taken my ashes and turned them into beauty. I've learned that life doesn't always seem fair. I've also learned that no matter what negativity comes my way...no matter what I may have to endure...I can ALWAYS say...but God...

Love Day

I've never really been big on the V-day shenanigans. Maybe because my good ones are few and far between. Actually, I only remember having one great V-day and that was in high school. Not because of what I got but because of the gesture itself...I'll never forget it! Anyway, I'm going out of town this weekend and I'm just glad to be getting away for a minute. There will be kids involved so I don't plan on it being very romantic. I hope that everyone has a great V-day with the one's they love the most. And if you happen to be single as I have been for many V-days, enjoy and love "you"!!