~Nothing Like a Broken Heart~

Have you heard the saying, "Never waste a good crisis?" I think the same should be said of a broken heart. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, betrayal from a significant other, the end of a friendship, grief is the worst and the best thing that could happen to us. The pain is like no other and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But the pain will bring us to our knees and sometimes that's exactly where we need to be. God can do so much work on us if we go to Him when we're brokenhearted and I firmly believe that sorrow makes the heart good. I pray that everyone experiencing a broken heart right now will not become overcome with grief...but will overcome the grief!

All of God's children gotta crown...

Aren't you glad that once God gives us a crown, NOBODY can take it away?!? Over the years, I've seen a few women in these pageants either lose their crown, or have it almost taken away (which is happening to Miss CA now). She got her crown...some unpleasant things surfaced from her past...her crown is now in jeopardy. I'm so glad I serve a forgiving God who washes my sins away. Once I'm forgiven, I don't have to worry about anything in my past coming to the surface. Gods know me inside and out! We've all done things in our past that we're not proud of and may even be shameful about. And you better believe that the enemy will use those things to bring us down and make us feel like we're unforgivable. But the enemy is a lie!!! Though he may try, he can't take away the crown that God has given us. You can give it to him if you want to, but he can't take it. Jesus died for ours sins! We can't let that sacrifice be in vain by believing we're beyond forgiveness. We must confess, repent, and turn away from the things that are holding us back from God. The Lord will then see right past our faults and provide every one of our needs. So I don't know about you, but I'm gonna rock my crown...and with confidence!!! Knowing that in spite of all my shortcomings and indiscretions, no one can take away what God has given me!

He's NEVER running late!

I don't think anyone would disagree that life is difficult sometimes. If you're doing wrong...it's hard! If you're doing right...it's even harder because the enemy is always trying to bring you down. Life is a constant struggle which must be fought until our last breath is taken. Some battles we will win and some battles will be lost. Some battles aren't ours to be fought but we cause ourselves unnecessary pain by fighting them anyway. And hopefully we can find the courage and strength to fight the battles that are inevitable. Regardless of the number of battles we encounter or how many wounds we may accrue, I find peace in the fact that the war has already been won! So really the only thing we must do is persevere. Just keep fighting! To give up is an automatic loss and who wants to lose by default?! I know I don't, so I pray frequently for the motivation to keep going. God will never put more on us than we can bear, but honestly, I think He cuts it pretty close sometimes. I have no problem whatsoever with giving my burdens to the Lord! I have a problem with leaving them there and letting go. At times I will try to take my burdens back and handle them myself until I remember...I can't handle ANYTHING without God. He knows what I need and exactly when I need it! And what's even better than that is...He's always on time! Thank You Jesus!

It NEVER ends!

I try my best not to get sucked into the vicious cycle of technology because I know once you've upgraded, it's very difficult to go back down. I also find it overwhelming (not to mention expensive) to keep up with what's new. As soon as you get the hot new item, a newer and hotter item hits the market. It's crazy! No, ridiculous really! I have a HDTV and I wonder how I ever watched the old glaring glass sets. I also have a Blackberry and I don't think I could function properly with just a regular cell phone anymore. Can you believe that we used to exist without cell phones period?!? I think the navigation system is one of the best inventions and when traveling out of town, I find it necessary to use a GPS. I'm really amazed that we ever got along without them anyway. Who has time to read a map, right? Although there has been some pretty amazing creations over the decades, the fax machine is the only one that really astounds me personally. Don't ask me why I find it more incredible than the rest! I've used Joseph's Ipod a few times but have yet to get one of my own. I know I'm on the late show but I'm trying to hold out as long as I can. After experiencing the convenience of an Ipod, I know that it's only a matter of time before the CD will become as extinct as the 8 track.

We humans are so impatient and it seems that we think "the faster, the better." We shouldn't be surprised that the years just fly by and lives seem to be shorter and shorter. I try my best to appreciate technology and all the advantages it brings to us. But I believe it brings to us a lot of pressure as well. You either have to keep up, or you get left behind. No one wants to be left behind but not everyone is in a position to keep up. And now that we are in a recession there are retired people who are finding it necessary to go back to work. The ones who did not keep up with technology are the ones having a difficult time finding good employment. It doesn't seem fair but that's just how it is. So although I'm reluctant and I hold out as long as I can on acquiring what's new, I realize how important it is to stay with the current. God has given us some brilliant minds but my hope is that our hearts are even more brilliant. The truth is, there should not be one starving child in this country. In my opinion, any country that can figure out how to put a man on the moon can surely figure out a way to make sure every mouth is fed.

Precious Life...

I know a few women who are expecting soon or who have recently had a baby. I remember how much fun it was to have a little one around. I absolutely love babies!!! And I somewhat miss my kids being small. The first year seems to be gone in a blink of an eye and then your baby is no longer a baby anymore. I'm mostly glad that my kids are older now. No late night feedings...no diapers to buy or change...no lugging all the baby necessities around...it's great! But there's nothing like the first year of a child's life. I can remember having postpartum depression after all three of my pregnancies but nothing severe. I think I mostly felt sad because my life was not going as I expected. I didn't know I had it made with one, until I had two. I didn't know I had it made with two, until I had three. Don't get me wrong...I love being a mother! And I would have another child if I didn't have to go through the nine months of pregnancy. Motherhood is just as rewarding as it is challenging. But when you're a single parent, raising a child is so much more difficult. It's not a job meant for one person, but it can be done...and done well! I believe I'm doing just fine. I can't help but think...'what in the world is Octo-mom gonna do?!?' Lord help her!

Live and Let Go!

Jealousy is something that I cannot and will not tolerate! It's like a rottenness in the bones that will quickly destroy a person's character. Jealousy can make a person do and say things he or she would not ordinarily do and it can take control of the mind, body, and spirit. I've been blessed in that, when my last relationship ended, I realized early on what jealousy was capable of doing to me. I gave it up to God right then and fervently prayed that I would never have a jealous bone in my body ever again. There is no one on this Earth that has a valid reason to be jealous of another person. But many people will never realize this truth because they're too busy seeking after what someone else has instead of seeking after what God has for them. God specially created every person with a purpose and He wants us to experience the absolute best life here on Earth. The good thing is, God never changes His mind about anything! So that means that what He has for you is ONLY for you. Only you can get in the way of your blessings. No one can steal what God has for you or make Him change His mind about giving it to you. If God created a man or woman just for you...then there's nothing anybody can do or say to take that person away from you. If someone gets the job that you so desperately wanted, then guess what...that job was not meant for you.

I truly believe that jealousy is the root of all hatred. So if there's anyone that you feel like you just hate, then you should sit down and think about exactly what you are jealous of. Hatred hardens the heart and makes it impossible for love to come in. So if love is not able to come into your heart, it's not able to come out either. Forgiveness is the most liberating act one will ever experience. And remember...when you forgive, you're doing it for yourself NOT for the other person.

I'm Dreading It!!!

Let me start by saying that I don't believe in diets! Of course, I believe we should eat food in moderation (too much of anything is bad for you). But I refuse to deny myself any food simply because of weight. Therefore, it's time I get up off my butt and start working out, or something. I've gained almost 30 pounds in the last 2 years and boy am I feeling it. Not only do my clothes not fit anymore but I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable in my body. But only because I can tell how unhealthy I am. Some people have told me, "Oh you're are not big at all!" On the other hand, most of the people closest to me, who know what size I used to be, have mentioned my weight gain. I've heard many "you're gettin big" comments. It's something I already know but the comments are becoming more and more frequent. So I'm determined to start exercising at the gym and, at the very least, tone my body. I really love to eat so I'm not sure if I'll drop too many pounds but certainly I'll be in better shape. Hopefully I can soon get back into some of my favorite clothes. I have a jean fetish and have a ton of jeans but nowadays when I put them on, I cant seem to get that Chingy song outta my head.

Act Like A Lady...

I must admit that I didn't think this book would be a good read but I was pleasantly surprised at Steve Harvey's honesty and bluntness. Most of the topics in the book I have already learned...the hard way (I wish I could've read this book about 10 years ago). But there was one particular chapter about introducing your children to potential mates that I found very informative and beneficial. The book is filled with a lot of other great info to be learned as well. No matter the situation, I think all women should read this book (especially young females). Of course, the book is all Steve Harvey's opinion and he's no dating expert or anything. Still, I have a sneaking suspicion that he has exposed some truth about men. I'm sure there will be some that will wish this book was never written.

For Him

Why have I been given this peace? I'm remembering the last few years and I'm reminded of the storm. Such a terrible storm...there were times when I truly believed that I wouldn't make it through. The days were so cloudy. The sky was so grey. The nights were so dark. I didn't think the sun would ever rise again. My heart was so heavy. All I could give You were my tears. It took everything in me to wear a smile on my face. A smile...even though it felt like I was dying inside. I can't even count the times that I said, "How long will this last?" and "Please let my tears be enough!" The whole time I knew that You were making me stronger. Still, I just wanted to be delivered. When I complained of my anguish, You reminded me of the troubles of Job. And when my heart grew impatient, You reminded me that it took Moses 40 years to make it to the promised land. You did give me rest in the eye of the storm when I needed it the most. But You also let me know that it wasn't over yet. The storm lasted so long that I became accustomed to the conditions. I thought it would always be my life. I thought surely You had left me. But then the sun started to shine...the winds gently blew...the clouds disappeared. And I was like...where's the trouble? Where's the pain? But I didn't really want to know...My prayers had been answered.

Help me to just enjoy this calm. Please let me not focus on when the next storm will come. Thank you for my trouble! And thank you for my tears! Now I know...they were enough.

I'm Ready!

It's become sort of a tradition for me to visit my brother on the 4th of July and spend about a week in Florida. In my opinion, there's nothing like fireworks on the beach. This year I wanted to take advantage of the timeshare that my grandmother owns but now I realize that I waited too long to make the reservations. There is nothing available anywhere in the area until late August. So I guess we will once again be staying at my brother's place, which is plenty big enough for us all. But I just love the condos that my grandmother's timeshare offers...they're so nice (to say the least). It seems I've become a bit of a traveler but it's only because of the timeshare (I couldn't really afford it at this time otherwise). I don't know the full details of the timeshare as far as the cost, but I think it's the best investment my grandmother has ever made. There are places all over the country and nearby islands that are available to her as long as she makes the reservations in advance. Which means they're available to her family members and close friends as well. I've been on quite a few great vacations thanks to Jeraldine! I look forward to taking three this year alone (if everything goes as planned). I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to visit different places and lay eyes on God's masterpiece. An elderly woman once said to me, "Whenever you have a chance to travel...take it!" Every since then, I've been taking her advice.

We Live and We Learn

When I foolishly decided that I was going to get married, God stepped in and said...NOT! Now, I know that I would be divorced already, but back then I thought marriage was what I wanted and needed. Since going to marriage counseling made the marriage license cheaper, that is what we decided to do. It was apparent that it was not meant to be from day one of the counseling. I don’t remember much from those sessions but I remember one thing very distinctly. There was a moment when my pastor and I were alone. He looked straight into my eyes and said, “Do you really want to live the rest of your life on a roller coaster ride?” It was as if my pastor had witnessed every minute of my relationship with his very own eyes. That question lingered in my mind for the next 24 hours. I started out thinking, ‘I like roller coasters! They’re so fun and exciting.’ As my thought continued, I remembered that there are certain roller coasters that make me sick and give me excruciating headaches. As my thought got even deeper, I realized that roller coasters are very short-lived. They usually last only a couple of minutes for a reason. Any longer and they become uncomfortable and detrimental. I ultimately decided that a lifetime on a roller coaster ride was not for me. The next day the marriage was postponed indefinitely but it took some time for me to completely get out of a relationship that I so needed to get out of. I can’t help but thank the Lord for not giving me everything I think I want. It’s now obvious to me that (most of the time) I don’t even know what I need. I changed my prayer from, “God please make this relationship work” to, “God please place me in a relationship that does work.” I’m forever grateful that God always knows my needs! And when my prayers are said and done…that’s all that matters.

The Awakening

I currently have a severe case of spring fever. I'm so anxious for the seasons to change particularly because I just love the spring! In the spring it seems that everything is new...like a rebirth. It's definitely a time when I'm most grateful for my sense of sight and hearing. I love to see the vibrant colors of everything that's blossoming and also to hear all the birds chirping once again. I love opening every window in my home and letting the fresh air blow through. It's not too hot, not too cold. I love being able to break free from the layering of long sleeve shirts, sweaters, coats, socks, and feel the sun on my skin. I even love all the rain! How else would everything grow?!? There are things that I enjoy and like about every season but the spring has won me over the most. I can't seem to get rid of this urge to do some spring-cleaning but I guess I can hold off for a few more weeks.

But God...

I've always been a complainer and I don't admit that proudly. Although I believe I've improved in the last couple of years, it's something that I constantly have to work on and be aware of. I know in my mind that I have no right to complain about anything, but since I'm human it's hard not to let the negative outshine the positive at times. I try to let God hear "thank-you" from me way more than He hears gripes and complaints. But when I'm whining, He still always manages to remind me that things could be worse. Even when I'm sick and in pain my complaining holds no weight. For every 1 complaint that I have, there's 100 blessings. I may be tired and feel like not doing a thing...but God gives me the strength to get out of bed every morning. My kids may be driving me up the walll...but God has given me three children who are healthy and beautiful. I'm not exactly where I want to be in my life...but God has blessed me with the desire and ambition to succeed. I have suffered a great deal of unnecessary heartache over the years...but God has taken my ashes and turned them into beauty. I've learned that life doesn't always seem fair. I've also learned that no matter what negativity comes my way...no matter what I may have to endure...I can ALWAYS say...but God...

Love Day

I've never really been big on the V-day shenanigans. Maybe because my good ones are few and far between. Actually, I only remember having one great V-day and that was in high school. Not because of what I got but because of the gesture itself...I'll never forget it! Anyway, I'm going out of town this weekend and I'm just glad to be getting away for a minute. There will be kids involved so I don't plan on it being very romantic. I hope that everyone has a great V-day with the one's they love the most. And if you happen to be single as I have been for many V-days, enjoy and love "you"!!

Time Flies!

Wow...I let a whole month go by without posting a single blog. I will eagerly place the blame on the busyness of my life. Just to catch you up to date...I started November off by going on a vacation to Panama City Beach (I also hit up Pensacola and Destin for shopping and visited my nephew in Navarre). All I can say is...good times! After returning to Johnson City I started studying for the NCBTMB but then took a short break from studying when my brother and nephew came home for Thanksgiving. We had one of the best Thanksgivings ever but of course my cousin Blahz was greatly missed! My birthday was two days after Thanksgiving and it wasn't just any ole birthday. It was my Golden Birthday! For someone who has never made a big deal about her birthday...Let me tell you, I made up for the last 29 years! Everyone was sick of hearing about my "golden birthday" by the time it rolled around (haters!) But my family did hook me up with the VIP treatment at Klub Karma and we had the best time! Once my brother returned to Florida I tried to get back on schedule but there has been a major change in my life that hasn't allowed that to completely happen. I'm now in a relationship that is serious enough to mention so my schedule has been altered a bit. I was single for so long that I sort of forgot the dynamics of a romantic relationship. I'm still trying to get use to the fact that it's not all about me anymore. *Please stay tuned to hear more about my new interest. I did finally take the NCBTMB last week and by the grace of God I passed. I knew the Lord wouldn't bring me this far to leave me but the reality is I didn't make studying a top priority. It kind of got pushed to the side during all the festivities. I did manage to pass and I'm now official but my journey is not over...it's just beginning! And I look forward to what lies ahead of me. I'm sure there will be plenty of hard work and sweat. But I will also make time to relax and enjoy life. There will be laughter in abundance and more than enough tears to go around. But sorrow makes the heart good. So I will keep persevering...and try (really try) to continue blogging about my journey ahead.

What A Fellowship...

As you may know by now, I just love writing! I truly believe that God has blessed me with a gift of expressing myself through written words. When I started this blog, I ask God what should be the name, URL, and theme. So it’s no surprise to me that I go to Him before every blog that I post and ask for the knowledge and wisdom to write something that will be beneficial. I want everything I do to be to God's glory and not my own. I don't write so that people can leave comments or tell me that I'm a good writer. My hope is that God will lead me to share something that someone out there can grab onto and benefit from. It doesn't matter if I have one reader or ten thousand.

With that being said, I feel overwhelmingly compelled to write about something near and dear to my heart…God's accessibility. Salvation is hands down the best gift but I’m in constant awe of how available God is to me. I've never been the one to seek out human advice (partly because I used to be extremely shy, and partly because I don’t trust that people will give advice that’s not out of emotion). Therefore, I’ve always gone to God about everything. Whenever I need to talk I just picture him sitting wherever I am, listening to my every word. If I’m in my car, then He’s in the passenger seat. If I’m in my bed, then He’s sitting on the side of it. It’s something that I’ve done since I was a small child and I can only imagine that by now He’s like, “What now?” But I know that’s not the case. I just love that I can go to him anytime, anywhere, about anything! No matter if it’s 3pm or 3am. No matter if I’m driving in my car or I’m down on my knees. No matter if I’m praying for snow or praying for a sick family member. He’s there to listen. God doesn’t put me on hold or tell me to come back later. He’s never too busy or too tired to listen to me. I don’t have to make an appointment or be dressed a certain way to talk to Him. The Lord is my best friend! He makes me laugh and He sometimes makes me cry. He provides me with everything that I need and sometimes He gives me what I want. Every time I go to Him, I am comforted. Whether He answers my prayer right then or He tells me to wait…I am comforted! There have been times when I was so heartbroken that I thought I would die. Times when I was hurting so bad that I couldn’t go to God myself so I asked Jesus to go on my behalf. Those are the times when I was instantly comforted. I’ve never felt worse after talking to God, only better. I’m continuously aware of the things that I see and hear. I’m continuously thanking God for my blessings. I don’t just thank Him for everything. I will sit and try to individually name the things that I thank Him for. Of course that is no easy task because He’s done countless things for me. Yet still I try. I don’t want something (whether it be big or small) to have to be taken away from me before I realize what a blessing it is. From the toenails on my toes to the hair on my head, I’m blessed! From the pillow on my bed to the money in my pocket, I’m blessed. So if you see me driving or I’m out somewhere and it seems that I’m talking to myself, don’t be worried…that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m not crazy, (well maybe just a little) I’m just talking to my Lord who now lives within me.

The next best thing!

My two girls have just overwhelmed me with intrigue over the last few days! I've always wanted to experience the bond that sisters have and since I never will, I'm in constant admiration of my daughters. They really crack me up! I especially love watching them when they're being sweet to each other but their fights interest me as well. I've laid in my bed many nights just laughing and listening to them talk to each other in a dark bedroom like two little old ladies. There have been many conversations but I have to share the one I heard last night because it moved me so much as their mother.

Caislyn: Ray Ray I cold. Can you cover me up?

Zarayah: Cover yourself up.

Caislyn(in the sweetest most adorable voice I've ever heard): I can't cause I little.

Zarayah: Ok (She gets up and covers Cailsyn up)

Caislyn: Ray Ray my feet are cold.

Zarayah(gets up and says): Oh I forgot to cover up your feet.(She then covers her feet)

Caislyn: Ray Ray are you my best friend?

Zarayah: Yes

Caislyn: Are you sure?

Zarayah: I said yes

And then of course Caislyn gets right up and goes to jump on Zarayah's bed while she's trying to sleep and I have to fuss at her. Still, listening to them touched my heart so much. I'm grateful that God blessed me with two girls! I hope I'm around many days so that I can keep experiencing the bond the two of them share.

Please Remember...

To ALL Obama supporters (no matter your race):

Regardless of the outcome of this election, Obama is a great African-American leader! He is a great man! There are many attempts of character assassination against him and we should be praying for his safety should he win. There are some who want citizens of this country to fear Obama because they're intimidated themselves by his overwhelming effectiveness. As a result, there are people out there who are genuinely afraid of having a black president. To most black people these scare tactics are not surprising; we expect them. By looking back in black history, we can see that there were always attempts to stop positive black leaders from advancing. Black people have learned from experience that things are not always fair(not to say that some things aren't unfair for all humans). But we know that a black man cannot become the president of the U.S. being an average student as Bush did. A black man or woman would have to be an excellent student (excelling above everyone) to be accepted as capable of actually accomplishing such a task. And even then it's a struggle because there seems to be no room for error for a black person wanting to be at the top. Just remember...God didn't bring us this far to leave us! If Obama is suppose to be the president of this country...he will be! If not...so be it! Nevertheless, we MUST thank God for how far He has brought us in this country...from Kunta Kinte to Barack Obama!

Not over yet!

I feel so accomplished now that I have finally finished school. Yesterday I graduated and it felt a little surreal. Although the time went by rather quickly for me, there were times when I didn't think I would make it to the end. In the last week alone I had to study for six tests and create a 30 slide powerpoint presentation. Talk about exhausting! I am so mentally spent that I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything right now. I'm hoping that a couple of days of rest will do away with the confusion I'm experiencing. I still have to take the national board test, which I will spend the next few weeks studying for. Hopefully I will be able to take the test before I go on my vacation to Panama City Beach. A vacation that will be much needed by the time it rolls around. It's suppose to be my golden birthday present and I'm anticipating the chance to not only relax, but see my brother and nephew (my taquito). I ask for everyone to pray that I can stay focused on studying and pass my test whenever I take it. I'll let you know how it goes.

It's hard to hold back!

I'm trying my best not to blog about politics but man it's getting so hard because of the frustration I feel. When I think about John McCain becoming president my stomach starts to turn and I feel exactly the way I felt in 2000 at the thought of Bush winning. It's hard to describe the feeling really. You see...I've been blessed with discernment. I knew he would be a terrible president and my belief is that John McCain will be even worse. And this Sarah Palin chick really makes me nervous. Although I've been for Obama all along, I would've been content with Hillary as well. She took us women so many steps ahead but every time I hear Palin in an interview I realize that she is taking us so many steps back. It's like she's undoing everything that Hillary did. It's obvious that she doesn't know what she's talking about 95% of the time. She's just spouting off what she's been taught to say in the last 6 weeks, which is making her look really dumb. The fact that she's so unprepared for the job that she's been called to do, makes her seem as if she's all beauty and no brains. I want someone in there who already knows what's going on in the world, not somebody who has to be filled in on what to say in a matter of weeks. Sarah Palin may very well be an intelligent lady (in Alaska) but she's clearly out of her league on this one. People are absolutely nuts to think that she can run this country in the event that McCain is unable to.

Next frustration...

John McCain's demeanor is so irritating. Does he really believe that he's better than Obama? I'm not even speaking politically. He really acts like Obama is beneath him or something. Since all politicians lie (some more than others), try watching the debates on mute and just look at the way each of them carries themselves. It's incredible! Take away all the words and you can see who has the passion and actually believes what he or she is saying.

Next frustration...

It bothers me that some think we black people are only voting for Obama because he is black. Like he has nothing else to offer! I have no doubt that he will be a great president. I just pray for his safety. I don't agree with everything he believes. Like abortion for example. I believe it's wrong...Obama believes in choice. I can't fault him for that because the one thing that God gave us control of is choice. We can choose the we way live our lives. I have always said, "the one thing humans don't need control of, is the one thing that God gave us control of." Yes, we will have to suffer consequences if we make the wrong choices but we still have that right to choose. That's all I will say about that! Read my previous blog "The Obama Effect" if you want to know why I initially decided to vote for him.

Through all this I try to remember that God is in control and no matter who wins, He will take care of me. Although, when the winner is decided, there will be some extremely negative reactions regardless. God rules my life no matter the president. He got me through these last 8 years, which were terribly ran, and He'll continue to pull me through the rest...whatever the case may be. Still it's hard to ward off the feelings of frustration at times. I'm grateful at the chance to witness this history and I realize how far this country has come. But it's kind of bitter-sweet. On one hand...there's a black nominee for president...WOW! On the other hand...I've personally been reminded that racism is still alive well.